Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Fibroids Suck...

2006-09-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, and I will say it again... Fibroids Just Plain Suck. I think I'll get a T-Shirt saying so, or start a smear campaign warning others... either way, I want those vascular masses to suffer.

Tuesday's appointment went fine. The babies appeared to be cuter than even just 2 weeks earlier when we did a quick Ultrasound to peak in and check that everything was ok. Yup, Dr. Okeane seemed to be feeling just a little bit more confident about my condition this time, a reaction I welcomed after all the worrying as of late. He scanned over the fibroid next... and his look quickly registered concern at the shear magnitude it had become. It was hard to tell... it's size and positioning, on the small machine in the office, but I was scheduled for a follow up at the Maternal Fetal Centre next week, and would be able to get a better view of what exactly we were dealing with at that time. Again he threatened bed rest... something that I know is an eventuality, but surely he didn't need to start warning me at only just under 16 weeks! So I had mild cramping on and off for the last few days, it certainly wasn't excrutiating, and I had 24 weeks to go!!!

As I walked out, I felt confident that I wouldn't have reason to be back for another checkup until 3 weeks later on October 5th, the day I was asked to come back in...by then I would be nearly 20 weeks and past yet another important mile stone. I was a confident women preparing for a busy week at the office... now that I got the all clear from the Doctor, I really needed to make an effort to prepare for this weeks meetings. I had an important client flying in for meetings on Friday, and needless to say, I had been a bit preoccupied, but I would put my head down and get organized.... starting tomorrow; I was WAY to tired to start today!

When I awoke on Wednesday, I found it more awkward than usual to get out of bed. Each turn or roll seemed to bring on a unique tinge or stab of pain... but eventually I got myself upright and starting my day. I felt stiff... like I had slept on the floor in a cold sleeping bag, the weather HAD turned for the worst, with the rain falling for the first time in weeks... this cold and wet weather must have aggravated the mild case of arthritis I carried with my as a ruminant of my youth. Brought on by competitive sport, I have come to accept the way my joints remind me of a severe weather swing... achy and sore even before I catch a glimpse outside at the day's forecast.

But as the day progressed, so did the discomfort. The mild cramping turned more intense, and the sharp pains I felt when I awoke seemed to follow every time I moved. Thank God I was seeing Leslie later that day, she would work her magic and get me feeling normal again! But by that afternoon, even Leslie's combination of needles and analysis didn't dissipate the uncomfortableness I was feeling. At 7pm... as I rolled around on the floor in agony after discovering that there was no more Tylenol in the house (The only approved pain relief I was granted due to the babies) Mike got up, drove through the rain, and became my Knight in Shining Armor returning with the Econo Bottle with the easy open lid to help ease my pain. After popping 2 of these Extra Strength saviors, I laid back and attempted to fall asleep.

You know it's bad when the next day, you are literally scheduling your next opportunity to pop the little red pills on Microsoft Outlook. The bottle said "1-2 every 4 hours, not to exceed 8 pills a day." Since I had woken in the middle of the night to pop 2 more, I had 4 more pills to last me until 8 pm that night... how would I schedule them to be the most advantageous? It was as though I was solving a mathematical mystery, or at least the Rubic's cube. I studied, compared time tables... and finally settled on a total of 7 pills over the 24 hour period...after all I WAS pregnant, and probably shouldn't take the entire maximum dose right? Only taking 7 made me feel less of a junky.

I made it to 8pm (Hurray for small victories!) and then replotted my strategy for that night's sleep... I really didn't want to take more than necessary, but I was still in SO much pain... but even after taking 2 pills in desperate need for sleep (since the night before was met with a constant shifting and turning in search for a more comfortable position), I discovered that if I thought LAST night was bad, I hadn't seen anything yet. Every movement was excrutiating.... sharp pains were intermingled with pressure that I didn't even know existed. It truly felt as though my innards were being physically pulled down through my cervix every time I stood up. Trying to remain still didn't seem to help much either, since after several moments of relief, my current position would become unbearable and I would search for one that could sustain me a bit longer. By morning I knew I couldn't get through another day with this pain, and realized that amid appointments and Client meetings I would have to arrange to get in to see Dr. Okeane for a suggestion on what was going on, and what I could do to stop it... I just couldn't ignore the pain any longer.

By 9am I was sitting at my desk, calling the doctor... hoping to get an appointment before having to pick up my client (I received a bit of good news on the drive in, when he called to say he had missed his first flight and would be arriving a few hours later...) I now had until just after 1pm to see Dr. Okeane and head back to the other side of town to pick the client up at the airport.

When I was told to get into emergency immediately, I wasn't truly prepared... Emergency? Was it really that bad? Apparently Dr. Okeane was off today, but one of his counterparts was on call for Emergency, and I had been instructed to make my way there... and fast. My world started spinning... I had called Leslie earlier that morning to get her suggestion on what to do, and she had suggested this may be the outcome...so I trusted that it was what was needed. 10 minutes later I was in the car, having arranged for a colleague to pick up my client if I was not able to do so, and had alerted both my husband (who was leaving work immediately and would meet me there) and my inlaws (who I needed to call and alert since we had dinner plans for the following night, that I was now unsure we would be able to keep). Moments after arriving at the hospital and talking to the Triage Nurse in emergency, I was given a flashy plastic bracelet in case I suddenly forgot my name or birth date, and was asked to wait for a bed to come available. I sat to wait, and seconds later Mike walked through the door... looking worried, sorry and frazzled all in one. I think I caught him off guard when I shakily reported to him that I was driving myself to the hospital... memories of the last few months had flooded back, and you could tell he was simply worried that another terrible twist was waiting in the wings. Mike's parents showed up too... unable to just sit at home after my call earlier, they wanted to be there... to do something... and so we sat...made small talk... and waited.

2 hours went by, and I convinced Mike's parents to head out... there was no need for all of us to sit there in the bustle of the Emergency Room Lobby... they had things to do, and we promised to report back as soon as we knew anything. Almost on queue, as they walked out the front doors, my name was called to the nurses station, they had a bed for me and we were moments away from relief!!!

From the moment I was ushered into the back to a private room and asked to change into the blue robe and matching housecoat it was a barrage of tests, questions and consultations. Doctors... Interns...Specialists... Technicians... some nurses with warm blankets (the ones I liked the best) and others carrying specimen cups and needles (ok... they weren't my FAVORITE, but they were very nice too). It was a whirlwind that left both my husband and I in a bit of a daze. They ruled out an ectopic pregnancy (Duhhh), gallstones and liver failure fairly quickly. Then they checked on the babies, and they seemed fine despite all the chaos of the last 72 hours. One tightly wedged in a corner of it's amniotic sac appearing to be sucking his thumb, and the other doing somersaults beside him, they were as content as they had been days earlier in Dr. Okeane's office. So if everything looked fine, what the hell could be causing all the pain and pressure?????

The Fibroid.

It wasn't until being wheeled down to another department for a closer more detailed ultrasound did they spot the concern... the large fibroid we had been alerted to at our 13 week Nuchal earlier last month was sitting proudly now atop my uterus. It had grown some, although exact measurements were not taken.... it was evident that it had literally shoved my uterine cavity to the far left, and was causing the increase in pressure. Not only was this beast wedged against my liver and rib cage, but it had invited a friend to the party. There resting at the middle of my pubic bone, right above the birthing canal, was a newly grown fibroid. Smaller than the other, it's position would explain the intense feeling of pressure and dropping at my cervix... it certainly confirmed the previous decision by doctors that there was no way I was having these babies the old fashioned way. A C-Section was now most definitely in my future.

And so there it was, the explanation for my torturous pain... so once the Gynecology Resident and Intern confirmed that my cervix was tightly closed and high (confirming that despite the pressure, I had not started to dilate-Thank God), they realized 2 things.

This would be a painful and long pregnancy.
That pain management was the only thing they could do for me, since surgical removal of the fibroids was impossible until after delivery.

After 6 hours of tests, getting increasingly hungry, tired and most of all in pain (since I hadn't taken any Tylenol since early that morning), I was told they were preparing to admit me to the Gynecology Ward for observation and pain control management. I was stunned. They wanted to keep me at least the weekend... placing me on and IV of Morphine to see if they could get the pain under control before tapering me off to Tylenol 3's and hopefully sending me home. She jokingly said they hoped not to have me as a guest for the next 25 weeks, and that they would do what they could to have me comfortable enough to go home early the following week being able to manage it with oral medication and the elimination of Morphine.

As she left to start the paperwork to transfer me from my now familiar bed in Emergency to my new home on the 20th floor, and Mike outside making calls to his parents and my colleagues updating them on the news and canceling dinner plans made for both that night and the following evening, I sat in silence wondering how and why this was all happening. I didn't like the idea of adding stronger drugs than necessary to my system, for me or my babies... surely it couldn't be good. I know the Dr. said it was safe, but was it truly necessary? I have a strong pain tolerance, perhaps at times to strong... or stubborn, I'm not sure which... but was this supposed to mean that my babies were to ALSO have this tolerance? Had they suffered enough? Should I let them administer the IV of powerful drugs and let all of us get some rest????

By the time Mike and the doctor returned to my room I had my answer. I would not choose to be admitted. There was no need to take up a hospital bed to be medicated. I didn't want to use the "top down" approach. I wanted to start with less drugs and add more IF necessary. We talked, Mike stood in silence, still scared but knowing that there would be no convincing me otherwise if I had decided it was what was right for me... and the doctor listened and nodded in understanding. She agreed to release me on 1 condition... I would take the Tylenol 3 (2 pills a day, to a maximum of 4 times a day... Ahhhh the familiarity of it all!) but if over the next 48 hours, the pain was not controlled, I was to return to the hospital and immediately admitted for observation... there would be no more day trips to the hospital this week. I had this one chance to get the pain under wraps this weekend, or they would do it for me by Monday. And with that, we gathered my clothing, took the prescription to the pharmacy, stopped by Wendy's for something to eat, and retired to bed at home. By 9pm that night I had taken my second dose of pills, felt woozy and relaxed and for the first time in what seemed like forever, fell asleep in comfort.

This morning I awoke feeling well rested and more confident that the pain was now being controlled by me and not the other way around. I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Okeane on Tuesday...I'm sure he will be surprised to see me, but by then I hope the pain will be gone and I can report that the Tylenol 3's have been placed back in the medicine cabinet...

It's been a crazy road thus far. Last night as we drove home from the Hospital Mike asked me if, looking back I would have moved forward with IVF without removing the fibroids knowing now what I have experienced... my decision was easy. Yes, I would have... every doctor has told me that the babies are likely happy and unaware of the beast growing alongside of them... the pain has been something I have had to deal with, but the babies haven't... and in that sense, I don't regret moving forward. Yes, the pain is more intense and more "everything" than I ever imagined going into this journey, but blessed with carrying identical twin babies makes every ache and pain some how worth it.

24 weeks to go... hopefully more good than bad, less sleepless nights than those of peace, all in preparation for our little miracles to be welcomed into the world. Who WOULDN'T deal with a little pain for the prize at the end of the journey?

So Much Time Has Passed...

2006-09-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

Over a month since writing last... so much time, and so many things have transpired over this last few weeks, yet I have found little time to sit down and write about them.

Today, I find that time, settled into our new home, at least as settled as one can be when surrounded by boxes to heavy to lift in my condition. Mike has been working alot, making it difficult to get things unpacked before I find myself begging for sleep at only 8pm. My mother came into town this last weekend, to help with some of the "new house" chores... lining the drawers with that protective bumpy plastic, putting my linens away neatly on the top shelves of the linen closet... all the things I surely would have left for weeks due to the enormity and boringness of the tasks. And so, I sit... surrounded by boxes; contemplating the last weeks while trying to find a comfortable spot on the couch where the babies aren't making it completely unbearable.

The babies... they're doing fine... seem to be growing strong and progressing as expected, right on par with the singleton charts out there. They seem content enough, and at the last few ultrasounds have been busy poking each other in the head vying for attention by the technician when measuring and counting heartbeats... already competing, a sign surely of things to come.

Things haven't been exactly smooth sailing these last 5 weeks though. There was a scare at 10 weeks... out of the blue, in the middle of the night, I awoke to a gushing of blood... so much so that it soaked not only the bed but the towels I used to move myself to the washroom to call the doctor. At 3:00am I am sure he wasn't thrilled to hear from me, but his concern was genuine and he ordered me to either make my way into emergency immediately (however a 4 hour wait in reception may result) or get into a horizontal position, monitor the bleeding and get into his office first thing in the morning. We chose the latter... with the bleeding stopping after about 20 minutes... and when we arrived the next morning to the doctor's office, they discovered.. nothing. The babies heart's were beating away... there was minimal blood pooled in my uterus, that I was warned could cause some cramping, and I was sent home with no real understanding of what could have been the result. It wasn't until my High Risk OBGYN appointment 2 weeks later that they confirmed I wasn't RH negative, potentially causing a risk to the babies if our blood was incompatible... and questioning if this could have been partially explained by the loss weeks earlier, but everything seemed to be progressing, so I was told not to worry.

Not worry... it's funny, how you immediately become protective and worry about your children even before they enter this world. I check on them daily (After ordering a doppler from an online company to help reassure me that they are both still doing fine). The galloping of their little heartbeats have become easy to find... side by side... on either side of my stomach. Sometime last week they both decided to move to the right, perhaps bored with their recent surroundings... but the presence of the massive fibroid made it difficult for them to get comfortable. After hours of sharp shooting pains I can only equate to their little legs kicking this swollen tender mass of tissue, they realized it wasn't worth it, and have moved back to their rightful home just to the left of my belly button.

I have another appointment today, they are watching me closely... something I find reassuring... we'll see today how much weight I have gained.... it was 11 pounds as of 2 weeks ago. Surely I have gained a few more despite my lack of hunger and my inability to eat more than a small portion at each meal before feeling as if I am about to explode.

I'll write more now... now that I am "settled" and the computer is back up and running. I find it therapeutic to re-hash the moments... makes everything seem so much more real; and makes March seem in some strange way, that much closer.

A Mother's Instincts

2006-08-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling well for a few days now... major pressure in my upper stomach cavity has left me with a few sleepless nights, and some painful moments as I tried to carry on as best possible. I was relieved that today I would have the chance to "look around" at the ultrasound and rule out another surprise attack of OHSS.

My morning started off with acupuncture... could there BE a better way to start one's day? Relaxed... feeling like I was doing something truly good for my body... it was nice to spend that hour in utter quiet absorbing my worries and replacing them with love and nourishment for my little babies growing inside me. In mear hours I would be walking out of the office with our first babies pictures!!!! It all seemed so exciting! I was only disappointed that Mike was unable to join me... but bringing home picture would allow him to experience everything I got to see on the screen... so it was ALMOST as good.

As soon as I lay back on that cold table and felt the warm gooiness of the ultrasound gel, a sudden uncomfortableness came over me. I don't know what it was exactly, but I suddenly... for the first time, felt very alone and worried. As I lay there with the technician silently going about her measuring and notations, I began to panic.... I just needed her to say "they look great" and then I could lay back and let her carry on with her duties... but I didn't dare speak up asking her for reassurance, and she never offered it up freely... and so I lay in absolute fear.

It went on for what seemed like hours (But that ended up being just over 60 minutes in the end... still a miserable amount of time to spend in a paper dress with gel on your stomach.) As she methodically went about her business, I began a game of my own... I would breathe deeply, surely masking any chance of hearing the babies 3 tiny heartbeats without requesting me to hold my breath. THAT way I could reassure myself that all was ok. "Hold your breath for me please" she said almost on Queu".... and as I held my breath that first time, I smiled at my masterful plan... I would soon be more relaxed!

5 minutes later she asked again "One more time... hold your breath".... and so I did... which moments later was greeted with a "Great... Thank you!!".... 2 down and one precious heartbeat to go....

And then she stopped. Placing the wand back in it's holster, she said it would be a moment while she consulted the doctor on shift, and she would be right back. I couldn't hold back my fears any longer... I asked urgently for some reassurance, clinging to some small hope that I had been paired with a brilliant technician who was able to measure the heartbeat of the third baby even amidst my deep breathing. "Did you see all three heartbeats??" I said, desperate... Hopeful... angst ridden.... "Well, No" she said quietly.... "I cant really say much before the doctor joins us, but it seems that baby A (previously known as the single fraternal triplet) has lost it's heart beat and is significantly smaller than the other two babies". And with that, she was gone. I was left alone on the cold table with only my thoughts and a stomach covered in goo.

I wanted to cry... in fact I think I allowed a tear or two to trickle out as I lay there in the almost darkness. But I wouldn't... Couldn't...not now, not here. I needed to be strong, or at least appear to be one of those strong women that could take news like this and not let it crumble her entirely. Moments after wiping the residual tears from my cheek the door reopened and along with the technician was a woman who apparently was the doctor on duty that day. She reached for a chair preparing to give me "the news".... I cut her off...not wanting to hear another clinical descpription of my tiny baby's demise. " I know" I said... and she immediately looked relieved. Even in my anguish I managed to make HER feel more comfortable.

As the doctor re-examined things, I was searching for answers...why did this happen? How did it happen? Were the other babies doomed? Almost instinctively, she started sharing what she saw...(Surely recognizing this look on my face having been the bearer of bad news more than her fair share of times I am sure) "The other babies looked fine" she started...with ooohs and ahhhs almost to enthusiastically compensating for my sad news moments earlier, she snapped photos of the little ones for me to take home. Now she moved to the small sac sitting still and quiet. Zooming in, she discovered a snake looking line coming from the side. It was described as a hemorrhage. Apparently something had happened in the last couple of days that forced the placenta to hemorrhage, and thus stopped the heart of that tiny Baby A. So I had my answer... sort of...it was something... but who know's what, that caused the little heart to stop beating. It wasn't natural selection in the most common sort, it was trauma that caused this news. The guilt hit me like a freight train... only to be followed by an intense fear that whatever I had done while being so careful these last weeks could also happen to the other to babies still growing inside me.

Once almost complete, they decided to look and see if they could determine what was causing my recent bouts of intense pain in my upper abdomen. It had been a nuisance since my egg transfer nearly 2 months earlier, but lately the sharp pain and inability to move without stopping to gasp for air had become less of a bother, and more of a real health concern. As she moved the wand up from my belly button, it didn't take long to come across the culprit. There it sat, 14 cms... (which we later measured out on a ruler in amazement)... a fibroid that was barely attached to the upper outer wall of my uterus, that was quite literally taking up my entire cavity. My organs were pressed around it, begging for more room; but there it sat, proud and strong... almost looking like a full moon. Well THIS would explain the pains wouldn't it! Apparently, once it gets to this size, fibroids often lose blood supply adequate enough to sustain it's size. And so, it begins to attack itself in hunger... a very painful experience if I do say so myself!

The rest of the day was a blur. Instead of ooing and awing over the pictures they sent me home with, they remained in the manilla envelope until Mike got home. I feel sad.. unable to fully process the information I had been given today. Maybe I knew deep down inside... or maybe saying that is just my way of coping.... but either way, it hurts...but knowing that I have an angel in heaven protecting myself and the precious babies I am still fighting for.

It's all sinking in

2006-07-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

Things have been a bit calmer around here....the reality has settled in, and we have shared the news with our family, friends and colleagues, since it has become increasingly obvious that I was pregnant... it floors me actually, the roundness of my tummy... the way it is stiff and tender, the most basic of tasks like stepping into a pair of pants suddenly becoming an adventure in itself.... the whole thing seeming so foreign yet so comforting at the same time.

My follow up appointment with Dr. O'Keane has come and gone... feeling more assured about the coming months after having a heart to heart. He understood where I was coming from, our decision to not look at selective reduction as an option... he didn't fight it, and actually was quite supportive with this choice. He surprised me with a concern he hadn't brought up in our original conversation, that helped explain his initial concern, and his request to have me in or a repeat ultrasound. Apparently, our initial ultrasound was a bit unclear... they knew that one egg split and that two of our babies were "identical twins" sharing 1 gestational sac. But what he was concerned with, was that he wasn't sure they each had their own amniotic sac within that outer wall. If they in fact shared one amniotic sac, complications could arise with the babies tangling up with one another and potentially killing one another... but if there was 2 amniotic sacs, the babies would be safer in their own private cocoon for the length of the pregnancy.

After the second ultrasound, he still couldn't confirm 100% that there was in fact that magical membrane between the babies, but that this was not uncommon at this early stage of pregnancy. He believed he saw it, but wasn't quite sure... and so I have another ultrasound next week to see if by week 10 the amniotic sacs could be more visible.

So we're breathing a bit easier.... feeling more assured that things will be ok, and despite being sore and uncomfortable from the rush of changes my body is experiencing; I am even more sure that we will be successful in getting through this pregnancy, and being the parents we always dreamed of.

Not Even Chocolate Cupcakes Hold the Answer When Things get Complicated

2006-07-20T05:07:00.000-07:00

I recently thought about changing the name of my blog, I mean, after all...hadn't I "conquered" infertility? But who was I kidding there is no such thing as conquering this miserable beast...I had simply stepped around it's sleeping body by some strand of modern medicine and miracles. I was still on this journey, and honestly... the title still rings true.

Why Me? Now What?

I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday since the Ultrasound... they had to call the lab to have the results faxed to them, and midway my appointment the nurse came in and handed the confirmation to my babbling to my doctor. Needless to say, she was shocked. We knew what we would have to do... I would officially be referred to a high risk OBGYN for the balance of this pregnancy. She said things looked good... that at this point, there were no concerns, but that coming back at 12 weeks would help compare the results from Monday and ensure that things were progressing on track... all of it seemed so matter of fact, and I left feeling like things were starting to stop spinning.

I had started to feel better the moment I picked up a book and started to educate myself. I have found knowledge empowering through out this journey... and needless to say I felt powerless when I stepped off the Ultrasound table Monday morning. I quickly used online resources to determine which book would stay clear of scare tactics but give honest, straightforward & accurate information I would need to keep not only myself, but these babies healthy through the coming months. "When you are expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads" by Dr. Barbara Luke & Tamara Eberlein was that such book. Absorbing the informative and detailed plan to a healthy pregnancy of "supertwins" (triplets) was easy... and I knew that with this guidance, my husband's support and the watchful eye of my acupuncturist and doctors...I WOULD be able to get through whatever was thrown at me next.

So yesterday, when I arrived home from my afternoon accupuncture session, I felt good putting back that wonderfully chocolatty "Crave-O-Licious" cupcake with blue buttercream icing... and when the phone rang, I thought nothing of it as I cleared my throat with a large gulp of milk.

It was Dr. O'Keane... the doctor that had become my unsung hero.... with the bedside manner of a bestfriend and the medical skills of a man top in his field. I had requested him as my OBGYN after hearing he was still practicing labor and delivery and hadn't moved entirely to fertility treatments. After all...he HAD been the doctor working the day the little embryos had been placed back inside me over a month ago...wouldn't it be fitting to have him deliver these three tiny bundles of joy?

He congratulated me and said that the ultrasound had just landed on his desk. He wondered how I was feeling, and guessed that this may the reason for my recent bloating this last month, laughing that they hadn't expected THAT to be the issue. But then his tone turned more serious. He talked to me about how complications often arise with Multiples...and that women aren't necessarily built to carry three thriving babies... something we needed to think about. Had we discussed selective reduction? He was asking the question that only hours before had crossed Mike and My's conversation on the cell phone as we were stuck in traffic each driving home from our day's events. I wasn't comfortable with it...and neither was Mike. We knew there could be risks.... and most definitely a change to the way I lived my life if we went forward carrying all three babies... but bed rest, C-Sections and exaggerated monitoring and stress on my body were all scenarios we were at peace with... selective reduction to make things easier was not. We had agreed that should they spot a genetic abnormality in early testing, we would potentially reconsider our position, but to reduce from 3 seemingly healthy babies to a set of twins where risks and preterm labor still exists...just seemed out of our realm of possibility at this point.

"We would wait and see" he said...another Ultrasound was in order... at 10 weeks he felt I should come in and meet with Dr. Greene... to determine what we need to do relative to the babies growing inside. I know he HEARD me say we didn't want to look at reduction, but he seemed to press on with the issue...was Dr. O'keane slowly losing favor on the pedestal on which I had placed him weeks earlier? He reassured me that couples with triplets are split 50/50 with ones that carry on with 3 babies and ones that choose to selectively reduce the numbers growing inside... so it wasn't impossible.... but he kept going back to the risks.

As I hung up the phone, I was more confused than ever. Would I let my doctors guide me to the decision they felt was best? Or would I continue to trust my body and move forward with the best tools and support as I had when I chose to surgo surgery for my fibroids, or dismissed the option to attempt several IUI procedures... we had a LOT to consider. In the meantime, I plan on moving forward as if the decision to carry all three babies had already been solidified...I would have them healthy and strong by that next ultrasound and prove to this team of experts that I COULD do it....but for that, I needed just ONE more cupcake.

How does one feel in control one second & then...

2006-07-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

Feel as if the world is spinning out of control the next.

I was so confident, so proud of the woman I had proven to be through the last 6 months of this journey. I had gotten through things I never thought possible, survived needles and hormones that would make normal women crazy... I had proven to myself that I was indeed strong and able; ready to raise a child. I had no doubt I would be a great mom...And Mike? Well he was placed on this earth to be a dad... I am sure of it. He is the most giving and warm man I have ever met, and so I felt excited when we saw that we were finally pregnant, and welcomed the possibilities that accompanied this long awaited news.

So when we walked into the ultrasound this morning, I was excited to get this party started... trying to keep my emotions in check, reminding myself that one precious child would be a blessing and that not seeing a perfect set of twins as a result of the 2 embryos that were transferred back over a month ago, should not be reason for disappointment. Let's keep realistic, the national average for even 1 baby in an IVF cycle is just over 30%, and for two miracles, the success rates are even lower. I would simply be happy to hear that my child was doing well, and leave it at that.

Laying on that table as the technician slathered the ultrasound gel across my belly, the anxiety took better... PLEASE GOD.... let everything be looking ok.

She was quick to offer reassurance, she immediately spotted the dark circle on the screen identified as the sac, with the white globe inside it. There, next to the white "yolk sac" was a small moon shaped form. This was our baby!!!! It's heart was beating fast and strong.... 135 beats per minute...a perfect rate for a baby this small! We were simply in awe as we watched this minute grain of rice flutter at such a beautiful and remarkable pace.

Then she stopped, added more ultrasound gel, and pressed firmly again, over and over she circled the same area...and I began to be concerned. Was there something wrong? Had something happened that had the technician scared of complications or a potential miscarriage of our precious little one? My heart began to quicken, surely the same rate as that little miracle growing inside me.

We should have known something was up the minute she said it... "I have worked here for 15 years" she started "and although I have heard of this happening, your officially my first".... WHAT DID THAT MEAN??? WHAT WAS WRONG???

Then, the news came at us from out of nowhere. Some how, the second embryo that had been placed back in my uterus last month, also stuck... and beating odds of about 1 in 16million, had chosen to divide into two healthy identical twins... I was pregnant with triplets.

Multiples don't run in the family, in fact this is a first for any generation on either side of the family tree. So how was this possible? Our minds began to race.

It's been hours since learning the news. We are still overwhelmed and scared. But honestly, even with all the fear that things wont go right, I feel blessed. Even when we involve medical intervention, the best doctors and seemingly have 100% control of a such a complex process, God reminds us that at the end of the day, he does what he wants anyway.... and for now, he wants us to love and nurture 3 beautiful babies. He brought us to this point, and will surely help us through the next 7 months... all I have to do now is let it sink in...and then start this new chapter with a newly energized focus.

I hope we can do this!

The Aches and Pains

2006-07-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

It has been over a week now since seeing that undeniably beautiful Big Fat Positive... and 3 blood tests later, all confirming that my hormone levels are where they should be, and that my pregnancy is tracking as expected.... I find myself realizing that all this pregnancy business sure isn't glamorous.

It started almost immediately. The changes to my body I mean... the bloating from the chest down made me feel frumpy from day 1, and at only 5 weeks pregnant I already was having a hard time fitting into my pants. So much so, that a trip to Gap Maternity was in order to purchase a couple pairs of pants that could hide my "state" from my co-workers at the office. This bloating was not only unattractive, but painful, as there was a constant pain shooting at the base of my rib cage from morning 'til night. At first I thought this was what everyone felt when announcing they were officially pregnant, but after some sleepless nights wreathing in pain with every full breathe, I learned from my doctor's nurse that this was in fact a symptom of the Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome I had tried so hard to keep at bay. Thankfully I haven't been forced into bed rest, and there isn't a TON they can do to ease my discomfort... I simply look like a bloated whale. The worst part, is that at just 7 weeks pregnant, it is still to early to share the news of my pregnancy with others, but my odd shape has definitely raised some eyebrows!

So with each toss and turn... we wait.... hoping that Monday, our Wedding Anniversary & the date of our first ultrasound, will bring good news that will allow me to breathe a little easier; at least on the inside.

The Cat's Out of the Bag

2006-06-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well... I did it... I managed to keep my deliriously exciting news a secret from my husband for 5 long days, and last night; at his birthday dinner... I shared the fact that we were parents.

The last 4 days have been a blur... still not feeling 100% after being told that in fact I was suffering with the Ovarian Hyper Stimulation. Mike's efforts to pick up more Gatorade haven't seemed to do a whole lot to make me feel better, but hey... it's worth it right?

I have been CONSUMED by my battle to receive Beta Tests from my RE... something that apparently seemed completely unreasonable by the clinic's nurses, despite the thousands of dollars I spent to see those glorious numbers confirm I am indeed pregnant. Luckily, my family doctor was able to understand where I was coming from, and offered up the requisitions to get the blood draws necessary to confirm that things were looking alright.

So... while I am waiting for the results of my second test taken Thursday, delayed by the holiday weekend... I am left to obsess over the results of the test taken on Tuesday. My HCG levels were 355 parts per million, and that was my confirmation... we were officially pregnant!

His birthday dinner went well... I had prepared a basic birthday card and a Gift Certificate for Home Depot, so he could buy a couple of new toys, and he opened those first. Then there was a second gift I had wrapped, with the card placed inside... the card read "There's a buzz around town" with two bumble bees on the front... then, when you opened it, it had been pre-written "Your the best daddy in the world, happy birthday!"... I added a couple of words, so it would read "You are going to be the best daddy in the world, happy birthday" He opened it and just stared at me blankly, almost scared to believe the news. In the box to which the card was attached, was a Grover puppet that instantly put a smile on Mike's face. Over 2 years ago, when we first talked about starting a family, we saw the little puppet at the store and he had immediately picked it up and started talking to our "imaginary baby"... at the time we thought making a baby in a matter of weeks... a month or two tops. So I picked up the puppet when he wasn't looking and bought it as a surprise when that day came... and now 2 years later, I finally was able to pull him out of the sock drawer!!!

He wanted to know every detail of my last week since seeing the ink appear gloriously in the second window of the pregnancy test... he was disappointed that I had learned this news and hadn't shared it for so long... almost jealous that I had this wonderful news to myself for so many days... but he admitted that his birthday was the most special ever, and that he was thrilled knowing he would never forget the day he learned he was officially a daddy.

It's Still Real

2006-06-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

Probably a bit MORE real than yesterday... since I krept out of bed at 6:30 am to pee, and was happy to see that my first morning urine had produced a solid pink/purple line in the window insanity. Now this one.... made me feel like it could all really be happening!

I managed to keep the grin from my face yesterday with Mike... in fact it was pretty easy. It seems that as soon as my body knew that I KNEW it was pregnant, it decided to pinch and cramp every time I moved... I grimaced my way through dinner, and barely made it through the repeat episode of "The Hills" before grunting and moaning to bed. At one point Mike stood up abruptly and said "You had BETTER be pregnant, 'cause if this is just the damn drugs, that is just plain cruel".... and I couldn't have agreed more!

So this morning, as I had the kitchen to myself with Mike enjoying a Sunday Morning in bed for a few extra minutes, I started to think back... what had been the deciding factor in my success? Had I done anything to increase my chances? I mean only a short few months ago (Ok... EONS ago, lets not kid ourselves) I had been sitting across from Dr. Greene listening to him explain that I needed an operation, or potentially a hysterectomy to remove my fibroids... and now, I was the proud owner of a white stick with two pink lines! What HAD I done that was in my control?....

1) I trusted my body. This was something I did from the begining. From the moment he suggested surgery I realized, I would have to start listening to my inner voice, and knew that I needed to trust in each decision along the way. I think the day I refused additional IUI's and said I wanted to move forward with IVF was a turning point in more ways than one.

2) Karma. This was a word used often throughout my IVF cycle... by nurses and doctors... but most of all, by myself. The moment it sunk in that I had helped at least one other couple with THEIR chance for fertility treatments, by my donation at the fund raiser, did not only allow me to realize this journey had truly began, but also served to remind me that gifts must be given in love to be received. By my purchasing the auction item for a round of IVF, I had helped my journey move forward, while giving hope to another couple just like us, traveling on a parallel path.

3) Acupuncture. I was not one of those that got up off the table and danced out of the office feeling rejuvenated after each session... but I knew deep down inside that the treatments WERE working. It was like the analogy she shared with me at my first session... where bulls with low sperm count were given acupuncture leading up to insemination. Obviously, the Bulls weren't cognisant of the benefits, yet in the end, the bulls sperm count had significantly improved. And so, at first... I went because all the research showed that it was a vital component to a successful IVF cycle... but after only 2 or 3 sessions, I realized I was getting so much more out of it. She became my most trusted friend... my cheerleader, and my comforting calm during all the chaos. Acupuncture had become my savior, and I wouldn't have gotten through this process without it.

4) Wheatgrass and BlueGreen Algae. I kept on seeing these two things mentioned in books and websites touting their benefits. But I just couldn't bring myself to grind up grass every morning, and certainly licking the inside of a fish tank was out of the question! It was when I found Bolthouse Green Goodness (http://www.bolthouse.com/html/cs_green_juice_n.html), that I had found my answer. I'm sure the lady at Safeway thought I was some health nut as I lugged the 8 bottles through the check out. But each morning, I would start the day with 250ml of the thick green juice... and I have to believe, that my body thanked me for it.

5) Removing Hormones. Sounds backward huh? Here I was, ADDING hormones with pills and injections, while at the same time; choosing to remove other hormones that have crept into our food system. I decided to cut out dairy and red meat the day I started my IVF cycle. Sure, it was hard... after all I was used to polishing off a large glass of milk at dinner, but I realized how many hormones were in a typical glass, and decided I needed to remove them from the equation. I didn't miss steak... but man.... it was shear torture not having hamburger for a month! Who knew Wendy's meant that much to me!!

6) Meditations. I purchased a CD prior to starting my IVF cycle. It was a guide to meditations for IVF and I bought it at www.anjionline.com. It was in a word; needed. So many times through the last month, things seemed to spin out of control... I couldn't live at the acupuncturist's, so knowing that I had an escape to walk me through the chaos, was so re-assuring. There were four tracks, each one appropriate for a different part of the IVF cycle. It reminded me to remain calm, forced me to look within and think positively... and to envision everything working just as it should.

7) Laughing. Sometimes I needed to remind myself... but somehow through it all, I always remembered to laugh. I gave myself plenty of material... trust me. At times, I simply laughed at the sheer craziness I found myself in...sometimes I laughed at my doctors; even when they weren't trying to be funny....I laughed at Mike... ALOT... but mostly I laughed at myself.

8) Pineapples. The worst was over, I had lived through a painful Egg Retrieval, and had successfully replaced 2 embryos into my uterus begging them to bury in and make a home for themselves. On our way home from the clinic, we stopped and purchased fresh pineapple. I had learned early on in this journey that the brolemine in pineapples helped with implantation. (1/2 cup, twice a day... 1 pineapple lasts about 5 days) So, now that we were facing the most important implantation of our lives... pineapple was definitely in order.

9) Movement. Some doctors prescribe bed rest after the Egg Transfer, mine did not. This threw me for a bit of a loop at first, I mean... what if my doctor was wrong, and all those posts I had read about mandatory 3 days in bed were something I should be paying attention to. But after talking to the doctor, the nurses and most importantly, my acupuncturist... they all referred back to the same study. A study that showed moving after Egg Transfer was a GOOD thing. Apparently, maintaining blood flow by moving at least every 1/2 hour during the first couple of days after transfer assisted in the embryos moving toward the back of the uterus, and implanting safely for 9 months. I still couldn't lift anything heavy, and certainly didn't move anywhere FAST.... but the point was, I didn't stay in bed all day... and despite my reservations, it seemed to have been the right decision.

10) Giving In. Dozens of times through this IVF journey, I asked myself how I would handle the stress...the demands and the doctor's appointments. I didn't want it to control my life, I didn't want it to dictate my social calendar, and I most certainly didn't want it to effect our home life. But then I realized... it was easier to accept that life would be different, than to try and fight it. Instead of fighting the fact that it WOULD take over my life... I ran with it. I made no excuses.... if I didn't feel up to going to the inlaws for dinner, I didn't allow myself to feel guilty for it. If I wanted to spend and afternoon in bed on a Saturday, rather than do laundry... I did... and Mike seemed to understand, that this was simply "acceptable" for the next while. I took care of me, and refused to feel badly for it. I needed to invest 100% in being successful, and realized early on, that this had to start from the inside.

I'm sure there were dozens of other little things I did in the last month to get through and stay positive... but these seemed to me, at least today... to be the reason why I am sitting here, smiling at a stick of plastic, soaked in pee.

Pinch Me

2006-06-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

Poke Me... wake me up...

This afternoon, after another sleepless night tossing and turning trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable, I found myself at a loss. I mean, I FELT pregnant... something inside me told me this could truly be my time; but yet the progesterone suppositories I was prescribed following my IVF treatment supposedly induced cruel symptoms of it's own. With every Google search, I found yet another article about how progesterone caused all the same symptoms as early pregnancy, and to not count on this meaning IVF worked.

So I sat, playing the odds in my head, and realized... that I needed to know.

There were so many reasons why I would be disappointed, namely because in all my 35 years, I had never seen a positive pregnancy test... I had actually considered writing the manufacturer asking them to prove that there was even dye placed in that little window.

I was 13 days past ovulation... 13??? That was unlucky wasn't it? What was I thinking wanting to test today?

It was 1:00pm by the time I decided I would test fate and open that fresh box of pregnancy tests.... no chance of using my first morning urine as recommended on the instruction pamphlet... perhaps if I saw that stark white window, this would be my rational. Should I? Little did I suspect that the real question would be COULD I!

As I sat there, with the stick in hand, anxiety... excitement & worry was racing through my mind. And then it hit me... I couldn't pee!! Cold Water.. that would do the trick... but after nearly 5 minutes of freezing water on my fingers, there was still nothing. The airconditioner!!! I stood there, in my underwear as the cool breeze was on full blast hoping to induce a run to the bathroom... but STILL nothing.

Finally, out of desperation (although at this point I had added another worry in my mind, questioning whether this was some sign from God warning me not to set myself up for a major disappointment.) I chugged a large glass of water and simply waited.

Sure this last minute bladder fill would likely dilute my test and potentially give me yet ANOTHER excuse if that stark white window were to stare back at me, I was committed to going forward, and there was no stopping me when 5 minutes later I was ready to go.

There wasn't much of a wait... I saw the line instantly. Not as dark as the control line, but definitely there. No tilting, no squinting... just there... pink , straight and absolutely beautiful.

I sat stunned... then laughed... cried... looked again in amazement and then just enjoyed the moment.

I'm still not fully allowing it to sink in, after all there are still so many risks and obstacles... but what a beautiful and blissful sight.

I thought about calling Mike immediately, but then I stopped. Could I? Could I really swing it? Was it possible to keep this inside for 4 days, and surprise him on his birthday Thursday? What a wonderful present this would be if I could swing it! He is leaving on a business trip Monday until late Wednesday... so I may just be able to keep it from him, but it will be so hard!!!! I think I will try, I want his birthday to be one he will always remember... he has longed for this child (or children) from the moment we were married, and has been there as my confident, my hero and my strength through this entire journey.

If this is a dream... dont pinch me yet... I am enjoying the vision to much. Let me have this moment in paradise.

The Waiting Game

2006-06-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

9 days since my eggs were retrieved
6 days since they placed those precious embryos back into me for safe keeping
3 days since selling our home in anticipation of moving to our dream home in September
2 days since a difficult and confusing Father's Day
1 day since returning to work from time off for IVF
5 days until I will allow myself to pee on a stick to see if I am in fact pregnant
9 days until the official pregnancy test at the doctor's office.

It's a waiting game. Each day brings new worries, new questions, new milestones... and I find myself in a state of turmoil in this all important 2 week wait. I have been feeling sure about this cycle, knowing that my positive outlook was important to success, and sensing that this really could be "it".

How do I keep this inner peace and confidence without blinding walking into a potential heartbreak should this not be the month it all happens for us? How will I pick up and move on? How will we keep it together?

That is my fear for today... not that I am not pregnant, but on how I will feel should I not be pregnant... I don't even know if that makes sense.

And so I wait...

4 hours until my next progesterone suppository
5 hours until my next estrogen pill
8 hours until I can fall asleep... and be one day further through this two week wait.

Embie 1 & 2 are Home Safe

2006-06-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it!!!!

Yesterday was busy.... to busy for me... I would have rather spent the day relaxing and staying calm... but these embies are going to have to realize, that just isn't me!

We finished making the house "show home perfect" since this Saturday we are having an open house, and our home is officially on the market as of this morning. Mike ran and picked up some flowers to re-fill the front flower beds, and got a couple cedar trees to place at the entrance of the garage; both to boost our curb appeal. We finished up just in time to run out the door for acupuncture! Seeing Leslie was great, she was an instant reminder that today was about ME, and that it was time to let go of the hustle and bustle of the morning, and focus on the task at hand.

It was nice... laying there in the darkness simply "being" for 40 minutes, preparing my body for the next hours. Nora Jones softly played in the background, and I lay there thinking about the wonders that would soon take place.

Moments later (or what seemed like moments), I was walking out the door and in through the doors of the clinic for the moment we had waited for.

Mike got booties... he was so excited... between those and the papercap made him feel like a doctor. I think he actually thought for a moment that he could do the procedure!!! I downed to bottles of water as per the nurse's instructions, and away we went!

As soon as we walked into the procedure room, the embryologist came out to talk to us. She was smiling from ear to ear... SURELY a good sign! She said that our embryos were in a word "stunning". Apparently, as of 9:30am the 2 embryos that were to be placed back in my uterus for a 9 month stay were perfect Grade A 8 cell embies! Moments before coming out to talk to us, she double checked them and discovered that they had divided significantly and were looking even more beautiful than they had first hoped. She said genetically, they were as perfect as they see through the clinic. WOW.... now, it was all up to me and my body that would determine how successful we would be, what a lot of pressure. She then went on to talk about our remaining 10 embryos... had they survived to freeze? The answer was yes! The incredible news, was that these 10 embryos were also also Grade A, 8-12 cell frosties! Could this be possible? How were we so lucky... please don't let our luck run out early.

The transfer was actually quite uneventful, we were sent home with photos of both the embryos alone in the petri dish and one of them in their new home deep inside my uterus. It was kind of like when you go to the theme park and survive the rollercoaster, and there at the end is a picture of you with your mouth open and your eyes closed, to commemorate the event.

Our First "baby pictures"... please let that be true.

So our Beta is scheduled for June 29th, Mike's Birthday. I'm not sure how we are expected to wait that long, and I am sure I will pull out the pregnancy tests well before then, but I think it is kind of interesting that my birthday commemorated the first day I took medication for this IVF cycle, and Mike's birthday would be the day we would know if it worked.

All through this process it seems things have aligned themselves so perfectly, I'm just scared that this has lead us to have false hope and higher than healthy expectations. I must work on staying grounded and honest about what lies ahead.

Last night I admit, I over did it just a bit. The RE didn't want me rushing home to bed, but rather, wanted me to keep moving... in order to keep the blood flow rolling. He of course gave strict instructions to not do anything that induced a sweat, lift anything more than 10 pounds, or over exert myself for the next 2 weeks. But by the time my head hit the pillow last night at 10pm, I realized that once we left the clinic we barely slowed down at all. We first headed back to my second acupuncture appointment, then back home with a final meeting with our realtor to sign the paperwork and place the signs on our front lawn. Then we went out for dinner... grabbed a couple groceries, and finally came home exhausted.

I need to learn to slow down... I have to much at stake now. Today I plan on resting, feet up and guilt free.

Hang On Babes... Momma's coming!

2006-06-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

The embryologist called, at 12:01 this afternoon mind you, allowing me to play tricks on my mind. Why is it they do this to us? Saying you will call sometime between 9 and 12 means, you should call everyone at 9:05!! Dont they know that this is one of the biggest events in our lives?

But it was worth it.

My 11 little embryos that fertilized yesterday gained a little brother... 1 of the 8 that were re-fertilized late is springing to life and has caught up to the others, desperate to not be left behind. So 12 embryos... all viable and potentially the answer from God we have been desperately waiting for. She said they looked fantastic... not 1 or 2... but all 12! They were the types of embryos that makes the lab giddy, that's how she described them! Since I had asked to transfer 2 or 3 depending on their quality, she said that they would only be placing back 2, since they were so healthy and there was no reason to risk high order multiples.

I will also have some left that can likely be frozen... something that you never know if will actually happen, but is a second blessing all in itself.

So we are set... tomorrow at 2:30 pm we will be introduced to our babes, and they will be placed back with so much hope and love. Could this really be happening? I am holding my emotions because there are always what ifs and why nots... but can I say it?????

YIPPPPPPPEEEEEE!!!

24 Hours in Recovery

2006-06-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

It has been officially 24 hours since I returned home yesterday from my IVF Egg Transfer. I was SO scared when we walked into the back halls of the clinic... this was uncharted territory! These last 8 months visiting the clinic, I had assumed this door was a linen closet, but low and behold, it led to a whole other realm!!!

A nurse sat me down in a lazy boy recliner, and proceeded to give me a bit of a rundown on what would be happening... she knew I was nervous and wanted me to know as much as possible about what the day held, so that I could ingest it all. She was very patient, and answered all my questions... I'm sure they were delusional, but I'm also sure it wasn't the first time they had heard them! She gave me a heating pad for my arm, so that it would be easier for the IV to be administered. I was most worried about the pain, having read horror stories of women that screamed in anguish... since clinics in Canada rarely put you out entirely, I would be awake for the entire procedure... something that terrified me.

After reassuring me that a narcotic would be administered through the IV and make me feel wonderfully fuzzy, I shuffled into the operating room leaving my hubby to head down the hall for his all important duty.

The process was painful. So painful in fact that they had to administer a second dose of pain killer... which relieved the pain near the end. Dr. Greene kept apologizing, but I knew it was all for a good cause, and tried to just grin and bare it. Over and over he warned me that he was preparing for another puncture through my vaginal wall.. the method used for extracting the eggs from the follicles. An embryologst came and went from the room taking with her the harvested jewels and I watched on the TV overhead as she extracted the eggs from the fluid and tissue that accompanied them in the vials in which they were collected. I could hear her counting out the eggs as she placed them in their safe and temporary home... but stopped listening at 24...

As I was wheeled out to the recovery room, I was blurry and sore... and SO grateful for to see Mike sitting there with a juice box of apple juice and 2 tylenol! Haha... the nurse must have warned him and set him up with the props that made him look like a hero.

We sat there... or rather Mike sat there, and I lay there on the bed rolled out next to the window, and talked about trivial things, waiting for the embryologist to come out and talk with us about how she felt it went. Moments later, she appeared next to us with a chart in her hand. She was pleased with how it went, and amazed that we successfully retrieved 27 eggs. Of the 27, 15 were mature, 8 looked promising to get a bit bigger, and 5 were so little they weren't to optimistic for anything. She said based on these facts, and the rest of my chart, she gave us a 75% chance that we would get pregnant from one of the embryos that hopefully would come from this cycle. 75%... that's was really great... wasn't it? I mean, I HAD to take that as great results. There were of course, like every other step in this journey, some disheartening news to accompany the good... apparently, due to the number of eggs retrieved, they were worried about OHSS . If I didn't combat the potential symptoms, I would be facing some tough news on Wednesday. She gave us three scenarios:

1) Any of the embryos that survived, would be frozen and held until I was in better shape to accept them back into my body. Something that came with inherent risks of the embryos not thawing properly, and potentially resulting in negative results down the line. Not to mention that this would delay this whole journey even longer.

2) Come back on Wednesday, and transfer back only 1 good looking embryo, rather than the two we had planned on placing... thus reducing the risk of OHSS becoming full blown after implantation.

3) Get the OHSS under control by drinking a ton of water and keeping the blood flow moving by getting up and walking around every day, and then come back on Wednesday and transfer back 2 embryos as scheduled.

Oh God... I hope we can move forward, why is it there always seems to be a question at the end of each chapter?

After 2 hours of resting my body in the clinic, we packed up and headed home. At first I thought I felt relatively normal, but as the pain killers slowly left my body, the pain became unbearable. I was having a fair amount of bleeding from the punctures, and the swelling around my abdomen seemed to come on almost instantly. I knew this wasn't good, and tried as I might to drink as much water and gatorade as possible... if this was the one thing I could do, damn it... I would do it to the best of my ability!

I think by about 10pm my body finally gave up in exhaustion, and as I lay there stiff in bed afraid to move in fear of the stabbing pain that accompanied every shift; I fell asleep hoping that this morning would bring a bit of solace.

It seemed like moments after waking, that the phone rang next to my bedside table. It didn't hurt as much as I twisted over to pick up... a relief in itself! It was the embryologist! Although they said I should expect to hear back from them sometime between 9 and 12 this morning, as I glanced at the clock I noticed it was barely 8:30am. This surely couldn't be a good sign. Had none of my precious cargo lasted through the night? I was so scared as he started talking...he wanted to know how I was doing, apparently my file had been highlighted with the ordeal at egg retrieval, and he was amazed I didn't kick the knife out of Dr. Greene's hands after all those pokes. I told him I was feeling better today, after all, I HAD managed to get through the night without popping more Tylenol right? After making small talk about making sure I rested he got to the good stuff... how those eggs were doing. 11... 11 had made it to fertilization and were looking good as of this morning. 11???? What happened to the other 16? Apparently there were another 8 that had been re-introduced to Mike's sperm... in hopes they would make friends this morning, but as of last night, they weren't playing nice and it was looking doubtful that they would mate and make babies. So I was looking at holding onto hope for those 11 little embryos. He said that this was considered a great success... that most women get about 12 eggs at retrieval, with only about 1/2 making it through fertilization.... so I have to remain positive. He couldn't tell me what grade they would likely be, but said that by tomorrow he would have a better idea. At that time, he said he would give me the Egg Transfer timing for Wednesday, so it looked as though we were going ahead!

Just 2 days... c'mon embies... hang in there. These 11 little guys are my hope... my dream... and my potential babies. There's nothing more to do except wait and pray... both of which I will be doing alot of over the next 2 days... in between pounding back Gatorade.

I think I'm going to Puke

2006-06-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

No, my stomach isn't hurting THAT bad... I am simply a bundle of nerves. I have a large bruise where I injected the trigger shot last night, and it is so tender to the touch, something that I didn't experience in the 2 weeks of injections leading up to last night. Although I am swollen, and have some sharp pains in my sides when I move around... I am comfortable as I lay in the bed with my laptop next to me. This is the only position that gives me comfort.

The moment has nearly arrived, and I now find myself so nervous... so unsure... so chaotic. I have not allowed to think of the "what ifs" through the last 6 weeks... but now I am looking at that concern head on. I have so much riding on the next 72 hours... all my dreams, my hopes and my desire to love a new child seems almost over whelming.

How do I stay calm? No wonder they sent me home with a valium for tonight. Would any woman really be able to sleep the night before a retrieval without it?

I feel like a million mice are scurrying around in my head, not willing to stop and allow for rational thoughts to form. I am a mess...

Please let tomorrow go ok....

10 Hours and Counting

2006-06-09T13:58:00.000-07:00

So the moment has arrived.... my trigger shot is scheduled for 1:00am in the morning.

They are fearing OHSS, since at this morning's blood work, I was registering an estrogen level of 10,089.... they decided because of this fact, to lower my trigger dosage from 10,000 IU to 7,500 IU. I was taught how to use these new types of needles, and am ready to go... with a valium sitting on my bedside table for Saturday night. Sunday, I would wake up and head to the doctor's for my egg retrieval, scheduled for 12 noon.

It's funny... throughout this process we give ourselves "moments" to hang onto... dates, that signify getting through one stage and moving to the next. It's what keeps me feeling like I am accomplishing things, like the end is near, and like I am doing ok.

This moment in this journey signifies a big turn in the road, it is the start of the end... "trigger"... it's an appropriate word. At One O'Clock in the morning, I will trigger this next chapter in my life.

Another Day... another Ultrasound

2006-06-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today is a better day, at least on the personal front. I have pushed my troubles with my "father" out of my consciousness until this whole journey is over. There are far more important challenges ahead, and I for one want to concentrate on those!

This morning's ultrasound brought welcome news at first, Dr. O'Keane was back!!! Surely this would be a good sign!! It's funny... how I have come to appreciate the doctors at my clinic for their respective traits. Dr. Greene for his shear brilliance and reputation in the fertility field. He is known and respected across Canada and is simply the best when it comes to infertility treatments; this undoubtedly deserves my respect! Then there is Dr. O'Keane... a little less smug, and the polar opposite of Dr. Greene in his demeanor. If for nothing else, Dr. O'Keane has my adoration simply for his bedside manner. I have to say, he is one of the nicest men to ever throw me in stirups and check out my Hoo-Haw with a camera.

So there I sat, bloated and uncomfortable, waiting to find out if I was progressing any better after the disappointing growth Tuesday. He said things looked good... they were finally all around 14 to 17mm... getting there, that is for sure. 10 now sat in the right ovary, and more than 14 were in the left. He seemed optimistic that I would soon see the day where I no longer had to self inject myself.

The only thing that seemed to bother him was the number of eggs... the only thing I had been excited about this whole time. Again he brought up the concern about the potential for OHSS. (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome)... he said they would watch my estrogen levels closely in the next couple of days... since they wanted to allow the eggs to mature just a bit more, while not forcing my body into this dangerous tailspin.

When the blood work came back that afternoon, the nurse remarked that I was getting perilously close to the 10,000 level of concern. My estrogen level was now at 8376... and so, in preparation for a trigger shot any day, they decided to reduce my Gonal F stimulant injection today, to 150IU... and then asked me back tomorrow for yet another round of tests.

So here I lie...feeling awkward in my skin, my stomach tight and feeling as though it is filled with air and ready to pop. I wish I could fall asleep early, but I hardly see that being a possibility... the reality is, I am likely going to be lying here on my back, unable to get comfortable until my alarm clock goes off tomorrow morning to go through the whole routine again.

A Day of Confusion

2006-06-07T08:22:00.000-07:00

This morning, I half hoped for the confusion from yesterday to suddenly be erased with pure clarity, but yet... it still remained.

Lets start at the beginning...

It was another day of Blood Work and Ultrasounds at the clinic. I arrived and was told that not only would I be having these appointments, but I would also be meeting with the staff psychologist. It is a normal part of the IVF regime at my clinic, & allows the psychologist to make sure she helps make sure I am dealing with the emotional aspect of the treatment as best possible. The consultation lasted about a 1/2 hour, and then afterward I was whisked into the UltraSound room to wait for Dr. Greene and my latest update.

I sat and waited.... what seemed like hours (which in reality was 30 minutes... all with a sheet draped across my naked bottom & left wondering if I should shuffle out to the hallway in a make shift toga and ask for someone to remind him I was there). He eventually arrived, and proceeded to update me on my progress.

Initially things looked good... I had managed to grow more follicles, just as Dr. Okeane had hoped by upping my dosage... now it appeared there were about 9 in the right ovary, and another 14 in the left. He pointed out the dermoids which have been present since my first appointment... but this time thought it may be Endometriosis... something I can't be concerned about now, and didn't seem to be to much a problem, since I was managing to still produce a nice number of eggs despite being crowded in the right ovary with these nasty evil cysts. But the problem was.... the size of these little eggies were not maturing. They were still basically the same size as they had been 2 days earlier. Sure, I was creating MORE eggs... but that wasn't necessarily a good thing in Dr. Greene's eyes... since it could lead to complications later if I hyperstimulated.

In the end, he decided to wait to see what my blood work showed, before deciding if he was planning on upping my dosage of Gonal F (The Stimulant) or keep me at the same levels until my next appointment on Thursday. It ended up, 2 hours later, the nurse called and said my blood work came back showing that I was still responding very well to the medication, and that I was going to remain at 225IU through Thursday's appointment. It appeared they were going to take the slow and steady approach, hoping to grow my little follicles slowly and surely and hope that they would all mature at the same time, and that I would have a bountiful retrieval. All was good. (Or at least that is the way I have to look at things... there is no point in being nervous or self doubting now right?)

The rest of the day went as expected... I battled through the lingering questions in my mind, managed to give my injection that afternoon in a public washroom stall and getting through it without to much nervousness or embarrassment (I kept thinking I would drop the needle and it would roll out from the door and announce that there was a junkie in the third stall to the left).

I had plans to meet my father for dinner... so after I packed up my office in preparation for my now 2 weeks off work for this IVF cycle, I headed out the door to meet him.

And that is when I was reminded that even when the whole world seems to be revolving around your fertility, you can quickly be snapped back into reality with the introduction of family dynamics.

It has been nearly 6 months since the extortion debacle with my "father"... as Father's Day approaches, I am reminded that I truly didn't believe I would celebrating yet another such occasion with this man that had played the Father role in my life for the last 30 years. That time around Christmas was a difficult one, and I was pleased with myself to cut him from my life and no longer allow him to make havoc of my life and my emotions. The fact he begged me to reconsider, and pulled back his demands of hundreds of thousands of dollars, and apologized for some of his wrong doings, provided a window... a very small window... for us to move through, and see if there was any chance of reconciliation. And tonight's dinner was one of 4 we have had since then... an attempt to repair what relationship may still exist.

Often tense, always guarded... we sat across from eachother and made small talk about things that really didn't matter. He attempted to discuss IVF with me, begging to be a part of this journey, but no matter how I tried to let him into the whole process, something in me would not let him past that barrier I put up for typical strangers and passing acquaintances. I gave him the bare minimum rundown, and he seemed to understand that was as good as it was going to get.

As his only "child" (as he was once married to my mother, and acted as a sort of step father to me for 20 year before they too divorced), there are parts of him that cling to the hopes that he could be a Grandfather, and be a part of my life through this process... but the fact remains that decisions he has made over the last year have made this a challenge I am not yet ready to deal with. I am willing to make the effort, but can make no guarantees. What makes a man who is wealthy beyond imaginable, demand money from his only living relative that was willed to me by his parent? ( Apparently "Someone" told him that since I was only his step child, and that he divorced my mother after his own mother wrote her will, that money that was left to me in her will was somehow mis-represented, and that he should get it back) What makes a man that wants to be looked at as a father, create spreadsheets and contracts detailing the interest and earning potential he could have made from every dime he provided toward my education nearly 20 years ago? The man that sat across from me in that little restaurant was the same man that did all this to me and my husband only 6 months ago... how could I forgive him?

He knows it was wrong... he admits that he allowed others to control his dealings with me... and knows now that this wasn't the right thing. (At least that is what he claims) These "others" were namely the woman he has dated for several years now, a woman that has never appreciated the fact I am in his life. She told me once, that she didn't understand why I was still in his life, since he never legally adopted me, and that since he was no longer married to my mother, really has no reason to be a part of me or my family. She has voiced her resentment for many years... furious that my father has done the things parents simply "do". He helped pay for my wedding... something that infuriated her... he gives me presents for Christmas and Birthdays... something that she also felt completely a waste. She wants him to retire, and build their dream home at the lake, and use his money for THEIR life, not to better mine; his now removed step-daughter.

So there I sat... when he uttered the words that surely took all the courage in the world for him to utter... he had bought her a ring on their last trip to phoenix last month, and they would be married some time next year. She wants him to sell his current home next spring, and retire at 56. This was his new plan. The words didn't resonate until I was driving home... if I decided to take this man back into my life, I would be forced to allow this woman into my life too... something that, at this stage, I am unwilling to do. He asked me for $50,000.00 when we sell our home, so that; in his words "he could get her off his back about all the times he had helped me out over the last 30 years"... and that stung. It stung bad... Here I sat, telling my him how much the IVF was costing, trying to include him in the talks of our new house, and he was once again thinking money. That was always the way with him. A man that is alone, aside from me.... and now his future wife of course, with more money than he will be able to spend in his lifetime, asking me for money to appease the woman he loves.

We will give him the $50,000.00, I have decided that it isn't worth the stress or the anguish of battling this "demand"... but the day I write that cheque, will be the final turning point in our relationship, we will have changed from family, to... I don't know what. But the relationship will not be the same, even with it's strained formalities of the awkward meetings we now have between one another, it will never be like this again; and his decision to marry this woman solidifies that.

So that was yesterday... confusion is the only way I can describe it. Here I sit, awaiting the biggest moment in my life thus far to occur... the potential welcoming of life into our family through IVF... and another door is closing. Family is a dynamic unlike any other. Some are able to see the beauty and love that comes from such relationships, and others simply can not. I will hold onto the loving thoughts of family... and know that our family will soon be larger and more full of love, I have to hold onto that thought.

I'm Keen on Dr. O'Keane

2006-06-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, the fact remains that I really respect and enjoy working with my regular RE.... dont get me wrong... but today, for my first Ultrasound since starting Stimulants; Dr. O'Keane, one of the 3 other doctors at my clinic; really made my day.

The nurse doing the blood work sucked, and as I sat on the table naked from the waist down and draped in the "luxurious" 50 thread count sheet; I examined the HOLE she had made in my left arm. It was already bruising... you would think she'd be an expert at this... after all, there were at LEAST 20 other women having their blood drawn this morning. Perhaps she opted for decaf at breakfast and was a little jittery, 'cause this was definitely not an example of her best work. Things were off to a rocky start.

So I lay there on the table, waiting for the RE to sit down and deliver the news... I was ready... good or bad, I would take it in stride. So when he sat at the foot of the table, inserted that lovely camera and uttered the word "nice" under his breath, I wasn't sure if he was impressed with my progress, or happy to see that I shaved my legs this morning for the occasion.

Thank God he followed up quickly to the nurse that he was pleased to see my uterine lining looking great. 12mm I believe was what he asked the nurse to record. Not knowing if that was good or bad, I accepted his comment and breathed a sigh of relief.

He then moved to the left ovary.... this was it.... 8.... "8 nice even sized follicles" he stated. Was that good? Should there not be more? Was my body doing what it should? I had recently been reading reports of friends seeing 15 or 20 follicles in ONE ovary... was 8 really going to cut it? He looked up and reassured me, saying that seeing 8 follicles at this stage was excellent. In fact, I was reacting almost TO well to the medications, and that he suspected by our next appointment other follicles would be there to join the party. The fact that these were all small (about 12-13 mm) and all evenly sized showed that I SHOULD have a successful retrieval, and that my body was doing exactly what we have been coaxing it to do. Then he moved over to the right. I warned him that Dr. Greene wasn't sure we would get much out of that one, but he cut me off and laughed, apparently Dr. Greene was mistaken, there sat another 6 well proportioned little follicles. As he finished up he smiled and said; "This is what we like to see"... you're doing great kiddo (Kiddo? Anything that makes me feel younger at this stage is a good thing!). He decided to bump me up to 225 Gonal F, to see if he could get any other follicles to show their face. And with that, he sent me on my way.

Today was a good day. I'm sure that there will be some crappy ones thrown in along the way these next weeks, but it's days like this that keep me going... that and the fact that news like this deserves being rewarded with a Banana Split Blizzard... so what if it's dairy... I need to celebrate!

The Much Anticipated Ultrasound

2006-06-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling good about my pending appointment tomorrow morning. Sure, I have fears that I may not have as many follicles as I would like, or that they will find that by some medical mystery I managed to ovulate prior to administering a trigger shot despite taking Superfact daily... but then I stop and think about all the things I am doing to make this happen, and I am reminded that I must trust in the process, and accept whatever comes my way. I am doing all I can.

It has become a real way of life over the last month, waking each morning and downing a 250ml glass of Bolthouse Green Juice; which has everything from broccoli to Wheatgrass cleverly disguised in a smoothie of apple, pear, kiwi and pineapple juice. Sure it LOOKS gross, but I feel good knowing that I start each morning with such a boost to my system. Since I have cut out all dairy and red meat in preparation for IVF; the only source of dairy I am allowing myself is yogurt. Activia has become my brand of choice, since it's live bacteria is supposed to be excellent for you... and it comes in a delicious pear flavor...YUMMMM!!!

To be honest, I don't miss the red meat all that much. Although it has been a bit harder to decide what to cook for dinner, I know it is a small sacrifice I can make to cut out a lot of the hormones that are proven to be in beef, and which are counterproductive to the IVF process. I am to lazy to drive to the specialty shop for organic beef... I suppose I would have, had I really craved it over the last month, but so far I am doing ok!

My acupuncture sessions twice a week have been, as usual, extremely therapeutic. I still feel so blessed to have found her; it was by sheer coincidence really, but then... through this process, I have discovered that there have been events and people that have entered my life that can not possibly be coincidental occurrences. My support system between the tightly knit online community has become essential in feeling secure, confident and assured that whatever happens, I will come out ok... Surely finding these women both in my own city and thousands of miles away could not have been random. They were brought to me, and I them... I feel incredibly blessed by that fact.

I have more strength of character and empowerment than I ever thought possible. I never imagined I could take a needle, prep it properly and inject it carefully into my stomach, but yet I have come to welcome this moment. I spend it alone, as I am doing it at a time where my hubby is at work; but in some ways this to is therapeutic. As I prep and inject the needle, I know that this process is one of the few physical acts that I am controlling in this process. Without these injections, IVF would not be possible... and in turn, becoming pregnant may be an impossibility. But by my overcoming a fear, and injecting that small amount of fluid, I am once again a part of my fertility... something I wasn't sure I could ever feel again after the long months battling this disease. (say what you will, but if alcoholism is a disease, infertility most certainly can be classified in that category... it was not my choice to be unable to conceive naturally)

Surprisingly, even the meditations have been somewhat of a God send. When the CD first arrived, I wasn't sure if I would be able to find that quiet moment to release the tension and accept the meditations specifically designed for IVF. But after 6 days of Stimulants, and daily meditations called "Hitting Your Mark", I find myself welcoming the next step with a new found calmness.

So here I sit, a little crampy, but knowing that this means the medications are working their way through my body, and that I am prepared for what tomorrow will bring. I am happy... at peace... and most of all ready. Ready for confirmation of all the work I have done thus far in healing and preparing my body for the process that is soon to come.

Friends in High Places

2006-06-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

Ok... maybe they aren't FRIENDS... but when I arrived shortly after 8:00am for this morning's blood work and meeting with the nurse regarding my protocol... I certainly had a friend in my corner.

Although the clinic doesn't officially open until 8:00am I was surprised to find at least 2 dozen other women sitting there waiting their turn for their blood work. Since it was a first come/first serve system, I searched for a chair to settle in and read. As I checked in giving my name at the front desk, the nurse grabbing charts behind the receptionist looked up to catch my eye. She quickly came around the corner and announced my name.

WHAT???? Everyone looked at me like I had won some sort of prize as the nurse took me into a small office off the waiting room.

This was the nurse that first called me to tell me I was ready to start IVF! She had wanted to meet me, and was excited to introduce herself to me, since she was still overjoyed at the prospect of our being successful with IVF and being a story to re-tell at next year's charity event. She pulled out a post-it note pad and scribbled out her phone number... the coveted direct line! (Normally the clinic is so busy that you are forced to leave messages in voice mail and have someone call you back.) Then, rather than send me back to the waiting room to sit with the others, she took me down the long hallway to the blood/draw station and told the nurse there to process me next.

At 13 seconds after 8:00am I was on my way down the stairs and on my way. I had fully expected to be there for at least an hour, so this was simply amazing!!!!

The rest of the day went nearly as well, I met my mom for lunch, which was nice... she has been SUCH a support to me. We have had our differences over the years, and she lives a city 3000 miles away, so we don't see eachother much, but by some stroke of luck she happened to be in town for the next 2 months... and just as I needed her the most, there she was again.

By the time I was done lunch, I had received the call from the doctor's in regards to my blood test results. 368... my estrogen levels! The voice on the other side of the phone said that Dr. Greene was pleased with how my body was reacting to the stimulants, and didn't see a need to increase my dosage. I will go back on Sunday, for another Ultrasound and Blood work, where at that time we will be able to see how my follicles are growing!!!!

Today was a good day, I felt support all around me, and knew that the people in my life wouldn't let me down... they were there for me; which was a great feeling, I'm ready to keep plugging away, knowing that I am in good hands.

If at first you don't succeed...

2006-05-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

Try Try Again? Is this REALLY supposed to be the rule of thumb when it comes to needles?

I was exhausted this morning, all the cleaning yesterday had me wanting to spend the day in bed. But at just past 8:00 am I found myself sitting with a 1/2 dozen other couples in the waiting room of our doctor's office. Blood work was a breeze, and moments later we were ushered into the ultrasound room. It was the first time Mike had joined me for an ultrasound, and I think he was met with fascination and horror, at what he saw. Yes, I still had those damn fibroids... lots and lots of them that were smaller than 1cm each. The doctor laughed and said that it seemed that EVERY part of my uterus had fibroids EXCEPT the inside wall where implantation occurs. Apparently, he was pleased with the fact that although the fibroids will need to be taken care of eventually, he really didn't think it would case concerns with the IVF treatment. To make matters even better, the 8 cm fibroid seems to have shrunk to less than 4 cm!! Of course the doctor wouldn't give credit to Acupuncture, but I for one, feel like it is definitely the reason for the drastic improvement.

So off I went, ready for the injections that would be facing me later today.

After finally hearing back from the nurse saying my blood work checked out fine, and I was fully suppressed and ready for step #2 I gathered my stuff at the office and headed home to try this injection thing in the privacy of my own bedroom (I will tackle the staff bathroom a bit later... baby steps!!!)

After gathering my supplies of needles, ice, alcohol swabs and my needle disposal box; I prepared myself in front of the mirror for the unimaginable.

I dialed the measuring tool on the Gonal-F pen; 150 IU...

Started icing my tummy (but then remembering I needed to prep the pen by attaching the needle...

Back to icing, then the alcohol swab to the area and.... STAB....

I DID IT!!!!!

Ok, the needle was in, now what? I was supposed to depress the pen's counter and listen to the clicks that indicated the medication was being injected into my stomach. 1 click... 2 clicks... That's it right? My mind raced, I was pretty sure that was what the clinic's pharmacist said would happen... 2 clicks= 150 IU, so I pulled the needle out. DONE!

Ummmm.... wait.....

The counter on the side of the pen still reads 75IU???? What does that mean? Is it SUPPOSED to read like that? Did I do the injection wrong? Don't panic... we just have to think... what do I do next?

After 5 minutes of panicking, I realized I would need to re-prep the pen and stab myself again to determine if there was medicine left from the prescribed dose. MAN... how could I have done this???? So I repeated the process, prepared yet ANOTHER area on my tummy and stabbed away for the second time. Click... yup, just as I suspected, it's a good thing I went back for round 2, since I indeed had left some of the medication in the needle!

So here I sit, 1 day down... and who knows how many more to go. I have learnt that I am less of a wimp that I thought... that needles don't have to hurt that bad... that my husband will spoil me for the next 3 weeks just for the privilege of not having to inject himself with needles daily, and most of all... to listen for 3 clicks!

The Night Before Christmas

2006-05-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

At least that is how it feels... I doubt I will be able to sleep at all tonight, since I am scheduled to arrive at my doctor's office for an 8:oo am blood test & ultrasound, and for Mike to do his last Semen Analysis before the "real deal".

Oh please.... PLEASE.... let everything be going on schedule. Let me be suppressed, and ready to start taking the follicle stimulants! Who would have thought I would WANT to inject my tummy every day... but for this, it's worth it.

It's a nervous tension... not really sure what to do with myself today, I ended up getting a bit of a blessing in disguise. Our realtor called this morning. She wants to come by the house on Tuesday to take pictures and decide if we need to do extra work before placing it on the market. TUESDAY???? So I spent the day scrubbing every surface, polishing and dusting & packing yet MORE boxes to place in storage for the next 4 months. Tonight, as I look around the house, I feel good... it smells clean, looks like a showhome, and I feel confident that she will be pleased with the house, and will be able to get us top dollar. HOPING this is the case, since it will be a big burden off my shoulders if we can make enough money to cover some of the expenses that have been coming in lately.

Now that the house is done, there will be the odd cleaning, and of course a big sweep before our open house, but Mike has agreed to help with that, since I will likely not be doing much once I start into the full IVF Process.

So that is it, I will think positive, and know that things will all look great tomorrow. I am looking forward, and reflecting on what has transpired over the last 2 years. We are ready... now if only I can get some sleep tonight; god knows it wont go over well if I fall asleep with my feet in the stirrups tomorrow!

We wouldn't recognize happiness without a little sadness

2006-05-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Life can just plain suck. Let's not beat around the bush... I mean it, it can truly suck.

Through all of this, I've had my moments... those hours where I questioned what was happening, what I had done to get here and why it had to be ME that was dealing with this misery. The pouting, the angriness... even the tears, all paled in comparison to what I felt yesterday.

I blame it on the hormones, after all; there is no way I could have felt so low without this being a major contributor. I'm not sure where or how it started, but in the midst of the heartache I found myself on the floor of our closet surrounded by shorts that no longer fit my bloated belly, and craving for someone, somewhere to understand.

It seems, that lately I am obsessed. But is this so unexpected? My life is CONSUMED with trying to conceive. Needles, statistics, alternative treatments, message boards, books, medications... I don't have much more space in my consciousness for anything else. Here I sit, only 19 days from my expected transfer (according to one of many tickers counting down everything to do with this journey) and I feel overwhelmed, scared, excited and most of all ALONE.

Why does this process alienate you from the outside world? I remember when I was planning our wedding 3 years ago. Every detail was considered, checked and then confirmed. This too consumed me, but in a completely different way. When I purchased yet ANOTHER book on planning the perfect wedding, the girl always smiled at me and said "Congratulations!!" looked at my ring and happily presented me with my purchase. When I discussed the floral arrangements with my girlfriends they ooed and awed... fascinated by every selection and fondly added their ideas from weddings they had attended in the past. Even my husband was excited to try the dozen flavours of wedding cake in helping pick the tastiest one. I didn't mind being obsessed, and everyone I talked to got just as excited.... so why was this so different?

Why is it THIS time, when I buy another book to add to my collection does the teller have this look of sadness for me? She not only doesn't congratulate me (Who would?) but she hurries to put "Taking charge of your Fertility" in the bag before others see... When I try to talk to my girlfriends about the process, the medications and how they are making me feel, they say "Oh I know... it isn't easy for everyone, we took a couple months of practice before WE had our first". (completely dismissing the fact that I am dealing with something completely different than a couple of months of practice sex). And my husband... my dear patient husband. As I sat on the floor and cried he sat at the edge of the bed and simply stared. He was unable to say anything... Surely afraid that whatever he said would not be what I needed to hear. And he was probably right... in that moment, there was nothing that COULD be said to make me feel better.

I am a failure as a woman. That is how I felt. All these years, I thought the hardest battle would be finding a man I could truly love, and earning enough money to live in the lifestyle I had come to expect for myself. Little did I know, that after the great job... the perfect wedding and the overflowing love I shared with my husband; I would be sitting on the closet floor full of clothes that no longer fit, dying inside for the only thing that really mattered...

The happiness will come, I hold onto that truth... and I also know that without this pain and heartache, I wouldn't appreciate the blessings and love that will one day be mine. This journey, although difficult and lonely, is here to teach me... that I am strong, that I am capable, and that I have love waiting in the wings for my child to arrive. I simply have to be patient and realize, that sometimes gifts don't come in the way we always expected.

Gatherings with Friends

2006-05-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

Last night was fun... a birthday party for a friend's husband provided us with an excuse to get out and socialize with friends and forget about the medications and procedures that were now consuming our lives. It was a nice break from the routine, and a much needed moment of relaxation. Mike has been working so much lately that I had hardly seen him. I quite literally have 10 minutes a night with him after he gets home from his second job and crawls into bed before passing out exhausted. I feel for him, the efforts and sacrifices he is having to make. I wonder some times if he resents the fact that I am still working my 1 job, while he is running himself to the breaking point so we can afford all of this. He doesn't seem to mind, but I can see the exhaustion in his face. I need to remind him more how much I love and appreciate him.

It's funny... even when you think you are removing yourself from the world of infertility for an evening, it still rears it's head and reminds you of where you are in the world. Almost the moment we arrived, another guest whom we hadn't seen since the couple's wedding 2 years earlier asked "So... having kids?" and I was reminded that this was what was expected of me. "We're trying" is all I said, hoping it would be enough, and luckily it was. Funny, even casual acquaintance have expectations for our fertility!

The night was nice, we hung out be the pool and munched on appetizers that she claimed to have slaved over all day (but confided in me, were actually from Costco) and laughed about silly unimportant things. Aside from the fact that not eating dairy and beef for the month leading up to my IVF transfer on the advice of my acupuncturist left me envious of everyone enjoying the delicious looking black forest cake, it almost seemed like we had taken a step back in time, and that for an evening; life was exactly as it should be.

My wonderful life on Superfact.

2006-05-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

Let me start by stating that Superfact, the inhaled suppressant I have been prescribed to take 5 times a day, is NOT super. When I started on Sunday, I didn't think it was that bad, although I really am not sure what I was expecting.

But as I pull the awkwardly large bottle out for my "sniff" each time the alarm on my cell phone goes off, I am reminded of my previous dose just hours before; and the sick taste at the back of my throat. This is definitely NOT fun.

The headaches are bearable, after all... I can deal with those, it's not like I have never had a headache before! But... man... I wish someone had warned me about how edgy I am... I am either on edge, or dying to fall asleep. It certainly has knocked me on my butt! If it wasn't for the fact that my acupuncture appointments are now increased to twice a week, I think I would be so wound up that I would scream!

Officially part of a new category.

2006-05-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

That was the only thing I could think about as I sat at the table full of friends celebrating my much anticipated birthday. No longer could I cling to the hopes of that higher success rate at the fertility clinic. It seems that all the research I read shows that as soon as that 35th birthday slaps you in the face, you are part of a less promising group of women that have an even HARDER time getting pregnant.

What makes this year so special? Why is it that even the doctors and scientists label this as a D-day of sorts? One woman I met earlier in the week mentioned, after hearing that I would be "celebrating on Friday", that her mom used to say that this, my 35th, was the "mid life birthday".... great... I have officially reached the hill... it was to be all a slippery slope from here.

Standing Strong... at the Bottom of a Big Hill

2006-05-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I snuck out the office at lunch today, to go up to the fertility clinic and meet with the staff pharmacist. She had my first set of medications for me to pick up, and gave me a mini tutorial on how to use them:

1) Baby Asprin, easy enough... I am supposed to take it every day starting Sunday until we test for that BFP!

2) Superfact. This is a nasal spray, I have to prep this bottle that resembles superglue and then inhale once in each nostril at 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm & 11pm. I needed to buy a watch that could remind me of each dosage... and will be doing this every day for 14 days.

3) Antibiotics. These are for both Mike and I, and we start taking them the day I go in for the ultrasound and blood work checkup. These are scheduled for May 29th, so I guess that will be the first day where the hubby gets to experience taking pills every day during this journey. We have to take 1 pill in the morning, and 1 in the afternoon. We cant take any other multivitamins with it, which means my prenatal vitamin is being moved to lunch now. It has to be taken with food, but no dairy 2 hours from when you take the pill. You also cant lie down afterward... since it will rise and give you heartburn... UCK!

4) Gonal F. My starting dose will be 150 IU and I am to inject the needle in the stomach every day at 1:00pm. This means I will be carting my needles to work I guess! After 3 days using this dosage, I start going in daily for bloodwork and U/S to determine if they need to adjust the dosage. The needle seems easy enough, it's only about an inch long, and is in this little pre-filled pen, so I don't have to mess with loading the needle with the right dosage.

Once she showed me how to give myself injections, and loaded up a big blue bag full of drugs, I headed out and rushed back to the office.

That's when it hit me.

As I drove methodically back to work, I began to cry. I don't even know what triggered my emotions, but as it bubbled over unexpectedly, I realized that perhaps it's best that it happened now, so I could deal with it and move on. Through these last few months, I felt nothing but excitement with the pending idea of IVF... I was ready, psyched and confident about the upcoming treatments. But here I sat in the car, alone with my thoughts... and I cried. I cried out of fear that my efforts would go unrewarded, that my life would never be the same again... good or bad... out of fear of dealing with injections and side effects, without anyone else that could understand and support the emotional rollercoaster that would bring. I cried that I was here, at this place in life, I cried that so many people have so many expectations of me, and fear that I will disappoint them.

When I got back to the office, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't process the simplest of questions, and I knew that for today, I needed to take time for myself to grieve this next step. I am not saying that depression has won, or that a positive outlook on the next month is now a non-entity... but rather, that I need a day, a moment in time, to absorb, grieve and release these fears. I will be back... I will stand strong, and I will live up to MY expectations for myself. I am a confident and able woman, who has faced challenges throughout my life. Each one seeming bigger than the last, and each one seeming for that moment to be the one that would do me in... but I have risen, and overcome... and I will again.... in my own time.

Brightness in an otherwise frumpy day.

2006-05-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

I was dreading today... I was needing to go and buy something formal for an event we were attending on Saturday night... the other girls are wearing something strapless, tight and black. Unlike me, their bodies haven't been contorted and taunted by hormones and stress over the last year, and they will surely look stunning in whatever they wear. The thought of me in something similar however, was enough to make me nauseous and crawl under the covers until Monday morning. I needed to find something, but what????

It was warm out... I mean really warm out... the first day of the year where jackets seemed completely out of the question. Why is it that my arms suddenly took on the resemblance of sausages? When did this happen? I knew the Clomid had been a bit cruel on my body... but I hadn't noticed how unfamiliar it had become until tank tops and shorts started to make their way to the front of my closet. I felt frumpy... not exactly the best mood to be in when searching for "THE" dress.

Before heading to the mall I had one appointment to keep... the only thing I WAS looking forward to in my day. Acupuncture. It had been over a week since my last appointment, since this week had been so crazy, I had to delay my usual Wednesday session until today. It would be the first time I would see her since learning that IVF was in my near future. As soon as I stepped into the office, she came running over with a giant grin. She wanted to hear all about the call, how I had been feeling, and about everything I was looking forward to. I told her about the meditation CD and she was very familiar with it. In fact, she had it downloaded on her ipod and recommended that we use it in our sessions, which was fabulous, since it would surely add to the success of my treatments. She talked to me about why it actually helped in the process. The body has two natural states of being: "Fight or Flight" & "Feed and Breed". Often with the struggles of TTC and the stress of every day life, we place our bodies in the fight or flight mode... protecting ourselves from predators, and using all of our subconscious strength to ward off harm. In the second, feed and breed state of being; your body is at rest and relaxation. This state enables your hormones to balance, calmness to return, and create the most conducive environment for creating new life. Meditations, yoga and relaxation imagery all aid in creating the calm that is required for nurturing a pregnancy.... being reminded of this brought me back to my goal of creating a warm and confident being through these next couple of months.

So there I sat, ready to take it all in... no matter the cost, to be in the best possible mindset for my treatments. And then she shared with me the news... I was officially going to be a part of her study. Starting today, I would be seeing her twice a week, following the protocol set up by the fertility clinic to examine the positive effect acupuncture had on IVF success. How exciting!!! And to make it even more wonderful, the news meant... no more fees! Free acupuncture!! Could my day get any better?

I left with a skip in my step... calmness in my mind and an easiness that welcomed the sun that flooded my face as I walked out into the parking lot. Today was a good day....

Ahh.... but alas it would not last forever! I was now heading to the mall. Dreading what was waiting for me amidst the fluorescent lights and all to perky sales ladies cheerily suggesting the latest tube top while sporting a size 0.

I knew that calmness was to be short lived.... oh well, it was wonderful while it lasted!

The World Keeps Moving

2006-05-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure if it would all be still real, but there it was; the sun was indeed shining and the fact that I was starting IVF in less than 2 weeks was STILL a reality. It was a busy day at work... which was good... I needed that to keep my mind off everything else whirling around in there. After running from one meeting to another, and then yet another conference call, I came home exhausted and in need of a long bath and chocolate chip cookies. Last week, in hopes that I would get the call to start IVF, I had purchased a CD online specifically made for women starting IVf... meditations for the entire process, to help unwind, focus and envision your body responding correctly to the medications and treatments... all in hopes of creating the best environment possible. Well, not 4 days later the envelope sat in my mailbox... a welcome and exciting surprise to end my hectic day! Was this yet another sign that things were all aligning perfectly for my pending cycle? (the fact that even with ordering it from the US, and my being in Canada that it arrived so quickly.) I will look at it this way regardless of whether it was simply the great work of the postal service. This would be my outlook from here on in... positive, confident and radiating success.

It's HAPPENING!!!

2006-05-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

I knew today could be the day... that the phone would ring and this new chapter in my life would begin. I was told I would get the call if accepted this month sometime before Wednesday, so when the phone rang at just past 10am, the nurse on the other side of the line was the most blessed voice I had heard in months.

The call seemed cordial enough at first... "would I like to start IVF this cycle?" DUHHHHH of COURSE I would!!! ... she followed with a brief description of my suspected protocol, and then asked if I had any questions. Nope... my mind was racing in excitement, how would I have any questions at this stage? Then she brought up payment.... I explained that we were the couple that had won the silent auction for the IVF cycle and meds... she was THRILLED.... suddenly she went from a woman that was going through the motions, to be a friend that was excited for me! She hung up with me feeling excited and positive about what was going to take place!!! Not 5 minutes later she called me back.... confirming she had the right person on the phone, she quickly continued saying Dr. Greene had wanted to tell me he was thrilled I was finally starting IVF, and that he would do everything possible to get me pregnant. She also mentioned that he never does that, but in my case, since he had been the doctor to donate the cycle I had bid on at the auction, he wanted to wish me luck personally.... and so the new chapter began.

The next few weeks would be a whirl wind... I am to start taking a drug called Superfact on May 14th... 5 times a day I would be inhaling this nasal spray along with taking baby asprin. Then on the 29th of May I will be going in for my first U/S and Bloodwork to see how the Superfact is affecting my body and to ensure there are no cysts present. If all is good at the appointment, then I start injections that day until June 11th... WoW.... that is JUST over a month from now!!! That's when they plan to do the Egg retrieval and then 3 days later the Transfer!!!!

I am excited and nervous.... but so happy I could cry.

My boss happened to be in town today, preparing for a meeting later this week. I went for lunch with him to tell him that I would be unable to head off to Toronto in June as planned, since this would be around the time of the IVF. I cant tell you how great a man he is. Not only was he supportive and understanding, telling me I could take the time off with no worries, but he TALKED to me about how I was feeling and that he was proud and excited for us in this next step. Such a load has been taken off my shoulders knowing that I have his support through this, and that I have the time off work to concentrate on getting that elusive BFP.

So that was my day... full of excitement and joy... and as I sit here on the couch replaying my day I realize... this is really it; I am on the path to my new life... it IS happening.

A New Hope

2006-04-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

3 days after starting my period, I have a new sense of hope. I have direction, calm and hopefully will hear the news that IVF is finally in the immediate future by next week. The clinic says they call 7-10 days after you call in your "Cycle Day 1" after moving through the waiting list. Everyone seems to say it is 3 months long, and well... this is month 3 so I am axiously waiting for my phone to ring.

It's time for me to take charge of my own happiness, and my own spirit. After acupuncture yesterday I left realizing, that if I want to make changes to my life or to the life of others... I needed to step up.

I was supposed to go for dinner with the girls tonight.... a group of my cousins that have bonded since my wedding nearly 2 years ago now. We have really gotten to know eachother as adults these last 2 years, and it has been great. Even still, I am not ready to talk to them about this journey... and well, it would be near impossible for me to sit through a girl's dinner talking about what is going on in our lives, when I couldn't talk about the most important thing going on in my life.

So I cancelled, decided to stay home, and just relax. Something I need to do more of.

I also came to the decision today that I need to step out of the shadows and be proud of the group of women that blazed a trail for people like me, and lend that hand out to those who follow behind me. Generation of Hope is a charity that is not only a support for me during these next months, but is a way for me to give back to the community that is helping me have the child I so desperately ache for.

So I will commit to being there, at whatever capacity they need. It will be an amazing gift... not from me but TO me. To see and share the strength of so many wonderful couples, to see the passion of the doctors and nurses that donate their time, and to feel like I am truly doing something beside swallowing pills and injecting needles.

It is this hope that carries me through the finish line.

Calm After the Storm

2006-04-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

It has been 2 days since learning of our friend's pregnancy, and with the two days that have passed, it has brought me a lot of clarity.

I had a long talk with the hubby last night about it, because I felt I needed to explain how I was feeling.

I am thrilled that they are pregnant... they have been trying for many years, and I am so happy that they finally have their miracle on the way. This couple has always been very private, but have told us through the year's that we are the only friends they have so I am sad that they weren't able to share these last months. The hubby's best friend was pretty upset when he and Mike talked, trying to explain to him that it had killed him not to tell us. But I know that she has often had privacy concerns... so I guess I have to respect that.

I am not even upset that they kept their journey a secret. Honestly, what I am so upset about is the fact that they actually lied to us.

I think back to our trip together to Vegas at the end of last summer. I was not drinking that trip, since I was starting my protocol of Clomid, and was not feeling great as a result. As she and I lay by the pool, I told her about how scared I was of the symptoms I had been warned about. I mentioned that my doctor was nice, and that I was praying that the Clomid would be all we needed. I only shared this because, we were the only couples that knew the others were trying to have kids... and that we were both having problems getting that BFP. She turned to me and said "OOOOOOO Yuck...That Sucks... I don't EVER want to be where you are at... I sure hope we are never in your shoes". At the time, I thought it was a bit hurtful, but also honest... and I accepted the statement. But now we have learned that she had in fact been taking Clomid that month too, and that we had been at the same stage in all of this at the time.

I know that everyone has the right to protect their personal life, and I completely understand that everyone deals with things differently, but I am still stunned and hurt. Her sister called and left a message yesterday, asking if I wanted to help host the baby shower, and I had my hubby call back on my behalf and decline... it took everything in me to not cry.

I realize that to some people on the outside, my emotions may seem cold, angry and hostile. But I don't apologize for it. I am bitter, I am angry... this is NOT how my life was supposed to be. I did not imagine that I would be facing 35, injecting myself with hormones, being poked and prodded and feeling like I am a failure as a woman. If at times, I seem more emotional than I rightly deserve, or angry with the circumstances I am a part of... I think this is part of the necessary grieving that happens when you find your life so completely out of control.

Easter Sunday...

2006-04-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Days like this are supposed to be about family, and love... and sharing time with those that matter most. It is kind of strange this year, since this year my mom is of course in Vancouver; where she has lived for 8 years now, but even Mike's parents are down south... enjoying the hot sun of Mesa, Arizona. We were alone.

A ham seamed appropriate, and as we made dinner together, we realized that next year at this time, we would be able to cook dinner in our new home. We stopped by the work site today... looks like the framing is going to start on Monday! It really is starting to look like this will be our home!

At dinner Mike started to ask me how I was feeling about hearing about other people getting pregnant. Asking me if my best friend announced to me that she was pregnant again, if I would be happy for her. Of course, I thought... she is so full of love, that I know she would be a fabulous mother to more than just her 2 year old son. I wasn't sure where the conversation was going until... he hit me with it... friends of ours that have been mysteriously absent from our lives for the last few months informed him that they are pregnant. Due in June actually... wow... that is only 2 months from now!

It hit me hard. Not because it is yet another announcement of someone getting pregnant, because I know they have been trying for a long time for this miracle. But, I am upset because they got pregnant via IUI. This whole time I was desperate to have someone to talk to that could truly understand what we had been facing for all of these years, and right there next to us, were what we had previously thought were VERY close friends (He was in our wedding party!) going through it too. The difference was, they didn't think enough of our friendship to even tell us they were going through it.

I am numb, angry and completely empty.

I know this doesn't fit the Easter Spirit, but SCREW THEM. I want nothing to do with them ever again.

Lady In Waiting

2006-03-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, a while since things seemed less chaotic... more mundane... more sane. Those days where you knew what was going to happen next, and everything seemed to go on as scheduled... I miss those days!

The last few weeks have scrambled along with a feverish pitch, and yet I am still standing still. How is this possible? Although it feels as though so much has happened, the reality is, that nothing has happened at all.

Rolling back in my mind, I replay the events that have consumed my life as of late.

The educational seminar... the night my hubby and attended to learn about this crazy journey, and hopefully get answers to questions we didnt even know we had regarding IVF and the procedures it entailed. He was funny... (My doctor who was running the first 1/2 of the seminar)His crass jokes and light attitude definitely helped ease the tension that was evident amongst the 30 or so couples in the room that night. I'm used to his sense of humor, in fact I WELCOME it... but others in the room were a bit surprised at some of his comments... a fact that made it even funnier to me and the hubby! I'll be honest, most of what they talked about was old news for me... after all, I had spent nearly every waking moment leading up to that night reading, researching and chatting with fellow TTCers for hours... I knew about the success rates, the expected timelines and even about the potential risks. But yet, I still found it soothing. I think it helped most in knowing that Mike was suddenly forced up to speed on this journey, and that he could feel a part of something that, up until now; he had only been privy to when "duty called".

We were in it together... the meeting solidified this fact, even though I knew this to be true long before. There has never been a doubt in my mind that Mike wants to have a child as much as I do... but that evening gave me that final reassurance that we could really DO this.

The following weeks were met with the usual appointments, anxious waiting and stick peeing. (Not having much faith in seeing anything other than the single pink line flash across the small window.) The only bright light each week was my acupuncture appointment. It was my hour to unwind, to relax and to feel like I was in control of this crazy ride. 3 weeks into my cycle, and just beginning the dreaded 1 week wait, my appointment was greeted by a certain oddity by the doctor. She tested my pulse, tested again and eventually took it a third time as I lay there "full" of needles. It wasn't until I returned the following week (now officially starting a new cycle with the arrival of Aunt Flow that morning) that I learned why she was intent on triple checking my pulse.

I must explain straight off, that the connection I have built with this acupuncturist is one of genuine friendship... I trust her completely and there is a certain peace I feel in knowing I can talk to her about anything. We chat about movies and our latest impulsive purchase on Ebay, as all the while I am getting poked in mysterious points on my body with tiny needles.

When I walked in last week, she looked at me with such excitement... that I was sure SHE had big news for me. "So????" she asked... "So what?" was my immediate reply. "Any news for me" she wanted to know. "Well, I got my period today!" I exclaimed... since by mid afternoon I had already convinced myself that this was a GOOD thing, as it got me one month closer to starting IVF. "DARN". She blurted and then kind of laughed at her faux pas in the waiting room... "I was SO sure... I was getting such GREAT vibes from you last week."

WHAT!!!!
REALLY???

"DARN!" I repeated in a burst of laughter... why hadn't she told me, I would have eaten more pineapple, or remembered my baby asprin every night... or talked to my uterus before falling asleep... surely one of these old wives tales would have worked in making that little bean stick and give me that BFP!!! Ok, maybe not, but it would have been far more exciting that waking up and having to make the first stop on the way to the office at the drug store to pick up this month's supply of tampons!

And so it continues. According to the information session, the clinic will call 7-10 days after day 1 of a cycle, if you are accepted into the IVF program that month. Well, that's today. Day 7... so a different kind of 1 week wait begins. As I wait for the phone to ring, I am faced with many different emotions... scared, excited and most of all impatient. I am truly a lady in waiting... I just hope that at the end of this journey, I can say it was all worth waiting for.

The Two Week Wait

2006-03-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

The Two Week Wait can be notoriously hard... but it's even more so when you have almost no hope for success. Waiting for IVF without medication to increase my hormones, or procedures to place those spermies EXACTLY where they need to go, has left us going through the motions... quite literally, with hopes that by some miracle, we manage to get pregnant the natural way.

4 days now... since my peeing on sticks indicated I was ovulating... sure, we had timed intercourse as suggested... but I really don't think that will result in a baby, I mean, we did that for MONTHS and nothing happened.

I think both Mike and I are simply trying to get by, until we start the whole IVF process... trying to be kind to eachother, trying to eat better... and just trying to survive. The acupuncture has been wonderful, I don't get off the table and feel like my fibroids are shrinking and I suddenly have the worlds best uterus... but somehow it is giving me hope during this time. If nothing else, I really do feel it is preparing my body for the upcoming months. As for the immediate? I enjoy that hour with Leslie... she makes me feel grounded, and in control of my own body; something that has been intensely missing in my life as of late.

OK... through all this craziness, I have come to a conclusion about babies. I am referring to other people's babies by the way, not the ones that I crave for my own. In reading the message boards, resource books and fertility forums... women bring up their feelings about seeing babies. I admit, when you are trying to conceive it seems as though every commercial is for diapers or fisher price toys, and that your doctor suddenly started specializing in only treating patients of the cabbage patch variety... and this bothers many mommies to be. They get jealous, depressed and just plain annoyed that at every turn, they are confronted by chubby cheeks and drool. I thought about this after reading a recent forum of women debate the presence of babies in the waiting rooms of their fertility clinics... and at first I didn't know WHAT I thought about it.

It wasn't until last night, when sitting at the hockey game, I stared down at baby Kylan; who was a mere 6 weeks old and the first baby for the couple that has sat directly in front of us for the last 5 seasons. As I watched him gurgle and bob over his mom's shoulder and trying desperately to get a feeling for his surrounding; he looked up at me with a vulnerability that could only be found in a child this young. Not jaded by the fear of strangers, not spoiled with the thoughts of ice cream and sodas should they sit still through the first period... he was simply Kylan. As I watched him smile up at me, I realized... how could this image make me sad, or jealous? I cant even describe the emotion I felt.... but it certainly wasn't one of upset. He was a miracle... and although I was still waiting for MINE to arrive... it was no less a miracle for his parents. I am so happy that we are working hard to bring such a blessing into our own lives, and when he or she makes their appearance, they will never have to question they were loved, even before they were conceived.

The Definition of Family.

2006-03-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

So much to share, since during my absence this week SO much happened! Let's rewind to last Wednesday and start there.....

I had my first acupuncture appointment that afternoon... I was nervous and completely unsure of what to expect, but I was looking forward to it since I had heard about the benefits of pairing it with Western Treatments for Fertility.

It was in a word "wonderful". As it turns out, the woman that I am working with is also conducting a research paper right now WITH my doctor at the clinic on the merits of acupuncture with IVF! Apparently, I had been lead to someone that really understood what I was facing!

We talked for nearly 2 hours before she started the procedure... what did I eat in a typical day, what stress did I have in my life? Where had my journey through infertility brought me so far in traditional treatments? We talked about everything.. family, support, work, health... everything.

Finally the acupuncture session began. After checking out my tongue and saying it was dry and hairy (that CAN'T be a good thing) she checked my pulse and proceeded to place 12 needles across my body in strategic points. I really didn't feel them at all, but the ones on the right side made my body feel as though it was falling asleep!!!

After discussing what I hoped to accomplish by the use of acupuncture, she grabbed my hands and said, it is my job to get you pregnant, and to prepare your body to carry a baby to term. We will work with your clinic doctors to make that happen. She even felt she could decrease the size of my fibroids in time for my IVF cycle. YIPPPEEE!!! And we were off!

As I strutted around with a new found excitement on Thursday, I felt on top of the world. Could this be one of the effects of the treatment that afternoon before? If so... I loved it! Feeling so positive about where I was, and the path I was on, I decided to follow up with my family, whom I had earlier last week invited to a charity event on Friday. Strangely I hadn't heard anything from anyone I had invited... which was not typical of my tight community of aunts and cousins. The event being held on Friday was to be an awareness evening as well as fund raiser for a group called "Generations of Hope"... the event aptly named "Images of Hope" featured images of children captured in B/W photographs that were miracles of IVF treatments. In conjunction with the art show, there was a silent auction... I thought this was a perfect evening for my family to learn more about what we were going through, while still having it be a fun, relaxing evening.

In my new found zest for life, I called up my aunt... one that had always been a bit of a philanthropist... and often regarded as my second mother. She was a bit shocked to hear from me... I could tell that instantly when she picked up the phone. As I asked her if she had planned on coming Friday, I felt the coldness enter her voice. She simply couldn't "support" that "sort of thing" I was told... what sort of thing??? An art show? A wine and cheese reception? A silent auction? Surely that didn't make sense... but then it sunk in... she couldn't support IVF.

WOW...

After hanging up and feeling suddenly alone, I began to wonder if this was the reason I hadn't heard from other members of my family that had earlier seemed so "supportive" of our struggles. One by one as I called them, I received excuses and hesitations... no one willing to acknowledge what their dismissive attitudes were doing to my spirit.

So there it was... I was suddenly and swiftly off my high, and back to reality. Family could down right suck.

By the time Friday arrived, I found myself curled up on the bed even before Mike got home from work. When he walked in and found me there, he needless to say,was a bit confused; since he knew it was only an hour before we were scheduled to leave for the fund raiser. Sitting at the end of the bed we talked... about how disappointed I was in our families, how foolish I had felt to believe others would want to support us, how scared I was of the possibility that these people that claimed to love us would some how love our children less should they come into this world thanks to medical advancements.... I felt alone and tired of it all. Mike... what can I say? The man truly is my savior. He didn't tell me I was wrong for feeling that way, he didn't get up and sneak out of the room with the uncomfortablness of the situation... he simply gave me a hug, told me to get out of bed and said "this is WHY we need to go tonight.. and we ARE going".

So that was that... still a bit grumpy but willing to make the most of the evening, we ventured out in the snowstorm that had decided to make an appearance to make my evening all the more frustrating.

And that is when the mood shifted.

Even in the car as I watched these giant pillows of snow drop from the sky and melt as they hit the windshield, I felt my body calming. By the time we arrived at the gallery, even the slight argument about where to park simply rolled off my back... how was it possible to suddenly be so calm? I wasn't going to ponder it to long, in fear that I would snap back into the chaotic sadness I had felt hours before.

We walked through the doors to the gallery and felt a beautiful scent of gardenias... my favorite! It happened that a florist on the main floor of the gallery had decided to stay open late... and had bouquets of white flowers spilling out in the hallway... it smelt like heaven.

Smiling faces were everywhere... there seemed to be an excitement in the air that was contagious! Stopping first at the bar to have a glass of wine (Afterall, I could treat myself to a glass tonight couldn't I?) we were greeted by a girl passing out fancy hors d'ouevres.. "this WAS a good idea" I whispered to my husband as we helped ourselves to some smoked salmon crisps.

We entered the exhibit room first. It was breathtaking. Scattered across the walls, were images of children in the most delightful of situations. Each large portrait was accompanied by story. The story of the couple who's child was featured in the black and white print. Some were funny, some sad... but all were touching. Each one of the 22 stories felt as though that they could be mine. It was obvious, that IVF was something that touched people from all walks of life, and had a profound impact on may people. We were not alone.

After absorbing the impact of the photographs, and sneaking a couple more appetizers along the walk back upstairs, we arrived at the silent auction area that had been set up in the gallery. This was the major component of the fund raising efforts for the evening, and the 70+ items up for grabs were exciting! There was a Bugaboo Frog (but we already had one of those), spa certificates for ultimate pampering, a BMW Roadster peddle car for a toddler (which was TOOO cute), artwork, jewelry... and then... at the end of the long table... a certificate. At first it seemed somewhat understated, a simple sheet of paper in a clear acrylic stand... it could easily have been overlooked. But wait.... reading the words started to immediately increase the rate of my pulse... where was my acupuncturist now? (In fact she was in the room too, as she happened to be on the board of directors for the fund raiser!) "One Fresh IVF cycle complete with monitoring, lab work and medications" it read. Value: $10,000.00+.

"Mike" I nearly screamed... as I waved him over... we both stood and stared at the placard. Could we? Should we? We knew IVF was nearly a sure eventuality, and we WERE already on the waiting list... but here? Tonight? Without waiting for a response to my own questions, I grabbed the pen and scribbled the $4,500.00 bid needed to outbid the previous person on the line above.

Ok... breath... I needed to keep myself busy for the next 45 minutes until the auction was over. There was no point in hovering at this point and raising the price unnecessarily. I would come back in 40 minutes and hopefully not end up in a bidding war.

But 40 minutes later we came back to see the same name that we had previously out bid, had replaced their name below ours, raising the stakes by another $500.00. Back and forth it went... that last 5 minutes seeming to crawl along at a snail's pace. $5000.000... $6000.00... $7000.00.... and then it happened. The husband in the couple that had been bidding against us, came up to me, and said "We're out... you win, Congratulations and Good Luck". I could see the disappointment in his eyes, and knew that he was coming over to us as a spokesman for the couple when the woman was unable to do so. I turned and hugged him... it just seemed the thing to do. He seemed so genuine, and kind... and he really WAS happy for us. Although a little sad that we both hadn't "won" this opportunity... I was suddenly giddy with excitement.

Out of nowhere my doctor grabbed me and yelled CONGRATULATIONS!!! He is the director of our clinic, and had been instrumental in donating the cycle. It was so great to see him there! He then said one of the most inspsiring and hopeful things I could have heard. He simply said "with this, not only are you bringing your OWN child into the world, but you are allowing another couple the joy of a child as well". Since the funds from the auction were going directly back to families who required fertility treatment but could not afford it, I was helping someone in my shoes with less means. An overwhelming sense of pride and community took over, and I tried to take it all in without collapsing in tears.

As we gathered our coats and made our way to the exit, women I had never met stopped to congratulate us as the "lucky couple who had started their journey to a miracle"... they were genuinely happy for us... excited about the opportunities IVF provided, and proud of who we ALL were as people. THIS was the emotion I was so desperately looking for... and to think, it wasn't in my family that I found it. Or perhaps I did, but in a new family... a family of compassionate doctors, acupuncturists & friends new and old, that understood what it meant to long for parenthood. Sometimes family comes in different shapes, I am just blessed that I was open enough to accept them when it would have been easy to close off from the experience.

And So it Continues

2006-02-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

Waking up this morning, it was just plain gloomy outside. After a relatively mild winter thus far, I was looking forward to an early spring; but suddenly mother nature has decided to rage in her angry fury bringing snow and ice along with her.

Day 9.... Whoopee... I can start peeing on sticks again. This time, we aren't having the benefit of a doctor monitoring our every move, it's all about the hubby and I this month. So, back to good old fashioned sex. If we start BD'ing this month, and alternate days like most cycle experts recommend, would that work? With all the expenses with the new house, and the potential IVF, Mike has been working alot.. getting a second and third job. It makes it a bit harder to make time for all this baby making, but hopefully the timing will be ok.

I will have to call him at the office and ask him what time he is getting home. I am sure he is clueless as to the fact I am on day 9 of my cycle...so maybe I will make his day with my booty call!

Here Goes Nothing...

It's a GOOD Thing

2006-02-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's nice not to think about ovulation, temperatures and what time of day is best to BD (I still cant get over that we call having sex "Baby Dancing" at this age)...

These last few days have been so busy that I have hardly had time to think about everything that has absorbed me for the past several months. Work has been crazy... but honestly? I don't mind! Tonight, rather than sit around reading about the path to fertility, we attended the home show and met suppliers in preparing for our new home. Windows, flooring, counter tops, fireplaces, the list went on and on....It was fun to walk up and down the aisles with my hubby and enjoy an outing that was purely about "us".

But now that I am back home, done with dinner and Mike has gone back to the office for a few extra hours of paperwork left on his desk... I have time to get back to obsessing over charts and temperatures. A break from it all is a good thing, but let's be honest; there is something addictive about the dozens of websites and buddy groups all directed to trying to get pregnant... at least it let's us know that we are not alone!

So... It's not ALWAYS about the money

2006-02-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

Living through the last year being poked, prodded, emotionally challenged and running from one appointment to another, one thing has become clear. This whole thing is NOT cheap.

Fully expecting to fork out another $200.00 for the IUI this month and next, I began to review our finances while waiting for the doctor to call me back in regards to their decision. We are in no way destitute, and are considered by many to be quite well off... but regardless of that fact, the impact of all the expenses (and the even larger costs coming with IVF) are really starting to impact how we live our daily life. It started with our cutting back on dinners out, or opting for a DVD over the theatre when we felt like a movie... but the further along, and the more real the expense of Invitro Fertilization becomes, the harder it is to justify even the basic necessities. This fact has made it pretty confusing and stressful, when amidst this all, we are building a house! What were we thinking???? (I'll tell you what we were thinking: that we would be pregnant immediately, and that we needed more room for the multitude of children that would instantly come our way the moment we started "trying". )

When the phone rang, I had just completed the mathematical formula on the amount of money we would save eliminating the Venti Caramel Machiato (Decaf now that we are TTC) that had become one of my weekend morning rituals.... It was the nurse. She was talking so fast, but even still, her words seemed slow motion as she repeated the doctors orders. "No". My doctor would not support IUI without medication while I waited for my IVF cycle to begin. ????? Ok, confused, Why not? Apparently he feels that it is a waste of money... that we would be as successful having timed intercourse for the next 2 months and to save the money for our IVF fast approaching. Hmmmm.... I appreciated the fact it wasn't about making money off my desperation, but did they REALLY think sleeping with my husband would do the trick??? C'mon.... who does that REALLY work for?... Oh Okay so people do it all the time... but was it really possible for us?

With this extra $200.00 in the budget, I ripped up the scrap of paper covered with figures and scribbles I had been working on prior to the call; grabbed my keys and headed off to Starbucks. So what if it's only Tuesday? I deserve and extra treat this week don't I?

The Witch Is Back

2006-02-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

Well.... the dreaded day has arrived. I am no longer spotting, and "Aunt Flo" has decided to stop in for a visit.

I guess my theory that if I didn't keep tampons in the house, would somehow rally the fertility gods into keeping it away was a bust. Good Thing the hubby has gotten used to this foolish idea, and no longer squirms at the thought of stopping on the way home at the drugstore for the required supplies!

So now what? I called into the period hotline for IVF as requested by my doctor... hoping that the 2 month wait will somehow have been shrunk to my immediate acceptance into the program. I know this isn't in the cards though... and I still need time to allow the clomid to leave my system in preparation for all the other nasty drugs I am going to be injecting over the whole process... but still... there has to be SOMETHING that can be done!!!

Needing to feel a "part" of the solution for the next 2 cycles, I have decided to ask my doctor to allow me to continue with IUI to increase my chances, but of course without the drugs. I know that the odds are fairly small with this type of treatment, but it would be something wouldn't it? I mean we will still keep track of my cycle, and get some lovin' in around the right time too... but it's GOT TO help if we get the little guys shot right up there shouldn't it?

I will hear back tomorrow on what they say, and whether they will allow this idea for this cycle... until then, I sit here grumpy, depressed and crampy. I'm really getting tired of this! Why can't I have morning sickness and swollen ankles to complain about????? PLEASE???????

The Highs and Lows of Infertility

2006-02-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

It's amazing isn't it? ... the roller coaster ride of infertility... I don't even know how you are supposed to get through it without losing your mind. Isn't the hormonal chaos enough? But you have to add the constant urge to pee on a stick, the meddling questions of "are you pregnant YET" by every family member you confide in, not to mention the sudden fascination and lengthy examinations after each wipe of the toilet paper. Thank God I didn't bother to wake up each morning this month to take my temperature and chart it on the appropriate software to monitor my "chances" I would have surely lost my mind.

So here I sit... 14 days after ovulation and 15 days after the IUI. Everything seemed to be going on schedule, I mean... Hell... all signs pointed to "yes" this cycle. It has taken everything in me not to be peeing on sticks every morning, but I just couldn't justify spending the money... ok... that is crap, I just couldn't bare to see a BFN staring back at me.

This morning, I sat... wiped... and examined. Nope, nothing... Another sign of things to come? If only life were so predictable.

After running errands all afternoon with the Hubby, and successfully picking out our appliances and hardwood flooring for the new house; I came home desperately needing to pee for the umpteenth time since waking. (Another great "sign" I assumed) Again, the ritual began.... sit.... wipe.... examine- WHAT????? Is that pink? It looks pink?... I wipe again.... Yes, it is most definitely pink. And as it sunk in, I started to cry.

Once the tears stopped flowing, and the dissapointment had been pushed to the back of my mind; it was time to look forward... to what? I don't know... Perhaps it was a false alarm, I have read about people that spot before becoming pregnant, I could be one of them. But the reality of it all is, that's likely not the case.

I must look forward... further forward than tomorrow morning, but not 9 months ahead with dreams of Bugaboo Strollers and Mobiles. I need to stop, regroup and move forward with a sense of confidence that will make the road ahead less bumpy. But for today, I want to sit and reflect and hold back the tears over pizza and a glass of red wine.

A Family of Fortunes

2006-02-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

What would you do if a stranger disguised as a magician told you, you were pregnant? I for one, would sit in stunned silence. That is afterall, how I reacted when, on Sunday morning we accompanied Mike's Grandma and sister to brunch at a local hotel where they had employed a magician to walk from table to table entertaining the guests as they scarfed down overly sweet cakes and seafood Macaroni Salads.

He seemed harmless enough when he walked up... making small talk as he showed a couple of tricks to Grandma. Then, as a "grand finale" he pulled out balloons to make each of us girls a little souvenir. A little bunny was made for Mike's sister, a poodle for Grandma... and then he stopped; looked at me straight in the eye, and said "do you believe in fortunes?"... well yes, sure, I will play along I thought.... "When you read your fortune, do you follow it, and believe it will be true?" he asked.... yes... ok... where was he going with this?... He then quickly twisted and knotted the long red balloon, handing it to me to inspect the small dog he had created. He then simply said "congratulations" and walked away. WHAT????? I looked at the dog a little closer, and almost as if a miracle, he had twisted a magical ball in the dog's belly... it was pregnant! My sister in law nearly choked on the orange jello she had been focused on, erupting in laughter, while my husband seemed confused but somehow proud of what had just happened. Grandma simply sat and smiled in her usual sweetness, oblivious I am sure to the months of discussions and attempts at getting pregnant, and me? I just sat in silence. It wasn't until my husband and I were in the car alone on the drive home that I exclaimed... "the dog was pregnant!!!!" then it donned on me... did he think I was pregnant??? Was I fat???? How many mini waffles had I actually eaten that morning? Nah.... I would take it as a good sign, an omen perhaps... or simply a sweet coincidence that would help me wait out the nerve wracking coming days before I could pull out the pregnancy tests and look for a +ve sign of things to come.

Seemingly anti-climatic after the pregnant balloon, Monday came and forced us back to reality. We were to meet with the Dr. this morning, to discuss our decision to move directly to IVF after this one attempt at IUI. He wanted me to really evaluate whether I wanted to go ahead... even with the Fibroids, or if perhaps I had considered the operation (which would have me out for 6-8 weeks in recovery) first... and then in 5 months, relooking at IVF. He said some women find the fibroids hinder success in the treatment. I sat... needing to absorb what he was saying. I looked at my husband sitting next to me, and then to the Dr. took a deep breathe and spoke what I was feeling. "I need to move forward and try IVF" I said, "but do you think this is impossible? Do you support that choice? " I was asking the doctor, looking for some sort of direction in his eyes. He leaned across the table, grabbed my hand and said "We will support you, and IVF is what we will do"... and that was it. As we stood he turned around and said "Many MANY women get pregnant with fibroids, and many others get pregnant with IVF and fibroids.... dont be scared, this is a decision that was right for you"...."But hopefully you wont need to about that, 'cause the IUI this month will work".

And so... 11 days past Ovulation, and right on schedule for my typical visit from "aunt flo".... I simply sit and wait. Other than the cramping that has continued through this last month, I haven't really had any other symptoms... and certainly no sure signs that she was coming for the monthly visit... so I remain hopeful, and maybe just maybe, my fortune would be right.

Tummy Aches and Tacos

2006-02-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

The Good.... no more headache! I woke up this morning scared to completely open my eyes in preparation for the splitting pain that had accompanied this action on the 4 previous days. But, ALAS NOTHING!

Today was a great day all considering, the bloating seems to have disappeared with the headaches, and I can finally wear my jeans and feel like they actually fit! Last night, at the hockey game I managed to eat tacos as well as an ice cream malt... Neither filling me up with that bloated feeling I had after every meal previous. This was GREAT!!!

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm still not feeling like my old self... but this is a GOOD thing. Today I woke up with gnawing cramps almost like I was nearing the end of my cycle; but by mid-morning they had subsided to butterflies in my stomach... something that I have experienced for a few days now.

After a busy day at work (Putting to rest the issues that had arose over the last couple of days) and meeting a girlfriend for lunch, I arrived home fully expecting to start dinner... but honestly? I don't feel like cooking... I think I will call the hubby and have him pick up something at Taco Bell on the way home!

Another Day... another Headache

2006-02-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

OK... If I knew that I was pregnant, and these headaches were simply some sort of evil symptom of the fact... I would be thrilled.... but I have no such proof and so I resolve myself to be pissed.

Pissed that this damn headache doesn't seem to want to let up now and it has been 4 days!

Other than being physically disgusted with my bloated belly and splitting headache, I spent the day building my defense for a dismal result recently coming to light on a client's business at the office. It will likely pass with no harm done, but with everything else going on right now, I cant focus the energy required to fight a good battle if it comes to that. Hopefully I can talk about the positives, spin the concerns and come out looking like the reputable and responsible member of the team that everyone expects to see!

But tonight isn't about that... with my hubby off to the hockey game (taking his sister since I just didn't feel up to it), I am propped up and ready for the Grammys. Hell if I'm going to sit around wearing sweats eating soup from a can, I might as well watch other people squeeze into amazing outfits, live the life and rock it out!

Why Am I So Happy?

2006-02-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

OK... I am still bloated, not as bad as yesterday.... but definitely still bloated; but for some reason, I have a spring in my step. I truly am happy. Sure, everyone complains about the 2 week wait being a nightmare. (The description of the time between the day you Ovulate and the day you should test for pregnancy would make anyone anxious) But even still.... there is a certain amount of optimism I have in facing this month. Maybe I am setting myself for pure disappointment. Maybe the headaches (which I still have by the way) are clouding my vision... but I am still optimistic.

I know that this will likely change by tomorrow... but for today I am going to sit back, laugh with my husband and just ENJOY!

Am I supposed to feel like a beached whale?

2006-02-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

AWESOME....

I'm bloated and I can't find a pair of pants that fit! Gee... this Trying to conceive thing is just getting more glamorous by the moment! It would be one thing if I couldn't fit in my pants because I was already pregnant... but this????? Not Cool.

How is it even POSSIBLE that I am so bloated? Sure there were 24 million spermies injected but the vial was the size of a multi-vitamin.... that couldn't have done it!

All weekend I have felt full... barely able to eat anything before getting a stomach ache and my tummy rock hard and sticking out like a beach ball.

Yesterday, for Super Bowl; Mike ended up going to a party himself, since I just didn't feel like hanging out in my sweats with friends... and was praying that this morning I would wake up and my tummy would miraculously be back to it's normal size.

But nope, instead I squeezed into a pair of dress pants and headed off to work. I am meeting my father tonight, to give him a tour of the show home, and to check in on the builder to see if the architectural controls have been accepted and they can start building... so THANK GOD I had an hour to come home and undo my belt for a while and breathe!!!

The Morning After

2006-02-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired... and have been this way all day. I think the emotions of yesterday finally caught up to me, and to top it all off, I feel like I am catching a cold.

After popping the Cold FX, I decided to attack the day with the positive outlook I was determined to carry over the next 2 weeks.

Other than being tired, everything else seemed so anti-climatic from yesterday's events. The only thing that slowed me down was the spotting. The nurse warned me about this possibility, but I really didn't think much about it. All day, I have been experiencing a bit of spotting... but I am not going to worry... that much.

Slipping out of the office early, I snuck home and had a nap before making dinner for Mike. I decided to use up the leftover chicken thawed from the night before, and made a chicken curry with rice. As soon as I started to cook, I realized the smell was NOT going to do it for me. Mike came home happy, eating most of it... but I ended up having a bowl of cheerios for dinner. How exciting!

To end the day, I took another Cold FX and hit the bed... it's only 10pm but I feel like I could sleep for days...

Thank God for weekends.

Here We Go!!!

2006-02-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

Well, nothing goes according to plan, I have learned that if nothing else in this whole journey.

It was the second day for me to test using the OPKs.... I for some reason, decided to stay home from work today, feeling not quite myself; and low and behold... at 10:30am after peeing on that little stick, I got 2 lines.... my LH Surge was here.

WHAT???? That was a whole 5 days earlier than I expected it! I called the clinic right away, leaving them the message as instructed by the nurse in my consultation. I almost immediately received a call back from the clinic, and the nurse was NOT happy. She said I was supposed to call at 8:00am... but I didn't know that (or at least I forgot)... apparently I was supposed to pee first thing in the morning, something I didn't remember being told either.

In any case, my hubby is rushing to the clinic now, and needs to make his "deposit" at 12:00pm... then at 2:00pm I am to go in and get the IUI!

Im excited... but scared... and nervous... and well... every emotion! This is it!!!

I'd better make sure to shave my legs!!

When I arrived to the clinic precisely at 2:00pm, my legs felt like Jello and I wasn't sure I would actually be able to do this, without passing out first. I needed to calm down.

After only a few minutes, I was ushered into a small white room. Sterile, cold and all to clinical. The bright and informative posters on the wall did nothing to make the room less hospital like.

Then things really started to happen. The nurse handed me, (which at first looked like a small pink pill... perhaps a pain killer for the cramps...) a vial! WOW am I glad I didn't hastily swallow THAT! Neatly printed on the tiny tube (Looking more like a bullet than a vial) was my hubby's name and our "account number" there at the clinic. It sure was small! Seemingly reading my mind, she quickly told me that the vial contained 26 million spermies... which in the clinic's eyes was a great result. Woohoo!! Way to go Mikey!!!!

Moments later, I found myself lying on my back atop a beautiful paper sheet covered by a white blanket and trying to breathe through the next moments that took FOREVER.

I hadn't noticed the thoughtful use of pink oven mitts on the "stirrups" at the end of the table. Not really why they decided oven mitts would be a nice fit, but hey... at least my feet weren't getting cold!

Now, I have never been told I had a strange cervix... so why now, when I needed it to behave itself, did the nurse mumble that it was hiding? HIDING???? How dare it do that! (Not to mention how DID it do that?) Never the less, I sat back and enjoyed a 10 minute session of the scapula digging, pulling, adjusting, pushing and wrenching as she tried to clamp down in the right place. Was this really happening?????

Finally, she had it... and moments later with a little cramping, it was done. The little spermies were in place, and the work had been done.

"10 minutes" She said.... that was how long I was supposed to lay back and relax until getting re-dressed to let myself out of the office. But I didn't wear my watch!! I had left my cell phone in the car too... in fear that I would get a business call right as I lay back to start. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KEEP TRACK OF TIME???

No clock anywhere?? They thought of OVEN MITTS but not a CLOCK?

As I counted to 600, my mind began to drift...

Never in my wildest dreams, had I thought I would be conceiving my first child under bright fluorescent lights, on a table smaller than a twin bed, and with no man insight. But hey... sometimes the best things are ones that you never dreamt were possible. And so I wait... for a new dream to begin.

Pineapples...

2006-02-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

Today seemed to whiz by me... I was late getting to work, finding it to comfortable to lie in bed that extra 1/2 hour. After finally arriving to the office, there seemed a zillion things to do... but somehow I managed to squeeze it all in and make it home to find Mike in the kitchen working on dinner.

As I sat and sorted the mail watching him cook, I opened the package that had come from the fertility clinic. Finally... the information we would need to start the IVF process in a few months. We were officially on the waiting list (as of January 24th according to the paperwork). It also included our requisition for our additional blood screening. HIV and hepatitis; to ensure we are safe and healthy for the road ahead.

I read a post on one of the fertility boards the other day about pineapples, so once he was done cooking dinner, the hubby took the time to peel and cube a pineapple for me and put it in the fridge. Apparently, eating a 1/2 cup a day helps with implantation... at this point, I will try anything!!!

Tomorrow I start with the OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits); I think I will test 2 times a day... morning and afternoon pee should let me know as soon as I get the surge. Kind of exciting!!! Although the success rate is only 13% on IUI, I still feel like this might be it for us... PLEASE let it be "it" for us!!!!

So as I sit back to watch a little tv before bed, I find myself munching fresh pineapple & day dreaming about "what if's".

And it was ALL going so well...

2006-01-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

The weekend ended as uneventfully as it started... doing little more than some light house cleaning, and grocery shopping. Sunday night, we headed to the in-laws for dinner, before they boarded their RV and took off to the sunny Southern States for 4 months.

And then...for some reason yesterday, I hit the emotional wall.

After running around town for 3 hours buying up these "absolutely perfect" wall lockers for the new house (needing 5 and each store seeming to only have 1 or 2)... my husband came home exhausted. He had ran around town for my benefit, there was no question... since in his eyes, we didn't NEED these, but he wanted to make me happy. When he got home, we ate dinner, and then went about getting little things done that always seem to accumulate throughout the day.

I am not sure what came over me, or why it happened, but I suddenly found myself yelling (yes yelling) at Mike about the whole mess of infertility. I wanted to know how we were going to afford the IVF treatments & still build our dream home... why he didn't seem to care about the process or the treatments we would be receiving... I was screaming and crying... and all he could do was stare at me.

I think he was stunned. Then he got angry. He accused me of being pessimistic, saying that I have been down, and that I need to think positively every cycle or it wouldn't happen. He explained that he would work 3 jobs if he needed, but that we WOULD make this work. He was mad that I didn't seem to think he cared, and couldn't believe that I thought he wasn't helpful considering all the things he has done over the last months, and all the patience he had tried to show.

OK... maybe I was a BIT harsh... but I was just so frustrated! Couldn't he understand that it was hard for me to be positive ALL the time? That at times I would get upset, or worried or even angry that we couldn't get pregnant? We had purchased a book about infertility about a year ago, and I had been the only one reading it for the last 11 months. Didn't he want to know what was going to happen?

The argument quickly ended when, my husband with tears in his eyes asked for the book, apologized for not being there the way I needed him to be, and went downstairs to the living room to read. He was down there for at least an hour before I came down to join him for a while. It was nice, curled up on the couch under a blanket reading together. It seemed fitting, since only 2 years earlier, Mike had bought me these gorgeous yet outrageously priced leather couches for a wedding present, and now we sat curled up preparing for the next step in our lives. I said sorry, and I know he understood that I didn't mean to react that way... but he just sat and continued to read.

I went to bed around 11pm. I have no idea when he came up to bed, but it must have been quite a while longer. This morning, he simply kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me; and then went off to work.

I know these next months will be hard, emotionally taxing I am sure; but worth it in the end. I just need to remind myself that my relationship with my husband is a good one, and that he is a good person... and that no man can possibly please a woman on clomid all the time.

A Perfectly Uneventful Saturday...

2006-01-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to sleep in, but MAN it felt great lying in bed hours before the sun came up. I found myself tightly sandwiched between my husband, who was still snoring; and the cat who had recently taken up sleeping alongside me with this head on my pillow.

When we finally decided to face the day, it was nearly noon and it was time to get some household chores done. Couldn't I have slept for a bit longer???

After 6 loads of laundry, we were off to pick up groceries and then, you guessed it.... another hockey game. (Ok... they are really impressing us... they won AGAIN!)

I know, a boring day by anyone's standards. No clomid headaches, no running around... nothing. But I don't mind. It was kind of nice to have a day where everything went according to plan.

MAN I am Cranky!

2006-01-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

WHAT TIME IS IT?????

Oh my god... it's nearly 1:00am! I must have fallen asleep. SHIT I forgot to take my clomid!

After jumping out of bed, causing the cat to jump 1/2 way across the room and scaring my husband half to death; I madly searched in the darkness for the pill package and a glass of water. Stumbling around until I reached the bathroom I yelled at Mike (that's hubby's name) for letting me fall asleep so early. Groggy, and likely a little scared of what I might do next, he simply muttered "sorry" and turned over. (Grabbing the extra pillow I had stolen earlier and slipping it under his head.) I know I know, it wasn't his fault... but still!!!! As I looked at the clock again and downed the pills, I hoped that there was still enough time for the clomid to move through most of the side effects, while I was asleep.

7:00am
I feel like I got hit by a bus. Not only am I dead tired from dealing with the "sweats" all night... but I think the Clomid has taken over my body. I've already snapped at a coworker and nearly hung up on a client, all before noon! Dont they KNOW that I am overly agitated today? I dont remember the sweats being this bad in other cycles, but man... it's bad! My husband said I felt like a radiator last night. (And he likes the sheets cool when he sleeps)

10:30pm
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Ran a few errands after work, came home & quickly changed before off to another hockey game. (Which we won in overtime WOOOHOO!) And now... I'm home. Tonight there is no forgetting my clomid, Mike reminded me the second I walked in the door, since it WAS nearly 10pm. There was no way he was going to go through THAT again tonight!

Doing Nothing All Day Sure is Tiring.

2006-01-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

When the alarm went off this morning to send me and my husband off to work, I could feel the effects of the Clomid I had taken the night before. I was sooo tired! It's amazing what a little white pill could do to your morning routine!

The day was an uneventful one... other than the splitting headache that seemed to linger from the moment I awoke (surely another result of the damn drugs!), the day pretty much carried on as most do.

What seemed like a perfectly natural decision at the time, has now proven to be more stressful than imagined. We are building a house. Our dream house to be exact. Not that this isn't in itself, stressful enough... but add that to the raging hormones of a woman on Clomid and trying to conceive???? Not Good. It will be a beautiful house... it really will... I have to keep reminding myself of this fact as I beat my head against the wall trying to explain to the architect that YES we DO want a door to the bathroom. Today, we finally received the completed Blue Prints... we could actually be seeing some progress in the near future! At least this gigantic task has helped (somewhat) in keeping my mind off the zillion fears and stresses of this whole fertility thing. Or at least it fights for it's rightful space in the stress department!

After meeting with builder finalizing the details; the exhaustion hit like a ton of bricks. For someone that had done nothing for the majority of the day, how could I be this tired? Thankfully, my hubby made dinner (lasagna to boot!) and let me curl up in front of the TV to unwind. He's amazing that way... and is one of the reasons I feel confident in moving forward with IUI and IVF; knowing that he is so patient and helpful. I am sure I couldn't do it without him! I had barely put my fork down at the end of dinner, when I was out like a light... propped up with all the pillows under-head, there was no awaking me... and my favorite show was just going to have to wait for reruns.

Mathematical Challenges

2006-01-25T09:46:00.001-07:00

Ok.... Let's think here. Today is day 3 of this cycle and the 25th of January... SOOOOO if my cycles are normally 28 days, then that would mean my NEXT cycle would start on.. (1,2,3)... February 19th! Ok. So the 19th of February and add another 28 days for my first month off Clomid would take me to.... (let's see here, we can't forget it's a short month)... Ahh the 19th of March. (Is that right?) Ok... then ANOTHER 28 days for the second month off Clomid... (damn I should have pulled out a calculator, or at least my calendar!!!) April 14th... wait let me recount that one.... Nope the 16th of April. NOW... I think she said it averages out at about 7-71/2 weeks for the whole IVF process to lead up to ET (No not the alien... embryo transfer). So that would be about 50 days later. Meaning.... if my math skills haven't failed me, and everything runs on schedule (and let's be honest that hardly ever happens!) We would be looking at having an embryo transfer on June 5th. (I THINK that is right!). Hmmmmm June 5th, let's add that to Microsoft Outlook right now, I would hate to schedule a meeting that day inadvertently. In fact, to be safe, I had better mark that whole week as "Busy-All Day Event". There.... that should do it!

But wait... what is with all those highlighted dates from the 12th-17th... I don't remember seeing those before!!! And then I remembered. "National Sales Meetings" popped boldly up on my screen as I clicked on the date in question. Shit. I was supposed to be flying to Toronto that week. I was supposed to be PRESENTING at this thing... how in the world would this work? Could I fly so soon after the treatments? Would I be wasting the 7 weeks of preparation leading up to the whole thing by hopping on a plane and standing up playing "business woman" for 5 days? How could this be happening???? All the planning... all the math... all the- calm down.

Ok think.

Got It. I would simply call my boss and tell him that I would be unable to attend due to.... ok, maybe that wasn't the best plan. I would HAVE to attend these meetings, there was no way around it. Pulling out the stack of pamphlets & books I had gathered on the issue I scanned quickly for an answer to my gnawing questions. Hmmm... right here on page 134 it reads "1 day bed rest following procedure, then regular duties can resume in moderation. Was that it? Only 1 day of rest? Did it say anything about flying? Well no... it didn't, but I am aware of women that fly across the country for IVF at the clinic and then head home shortly after. Could this have been a false alarm? A short but sudden panic attack brought on by the fear of the unknown? It would be ok... I would still attend my meetings, present the 2006 summer marketing campaign as promised, carry that precious cargo that would be just recently implanted, and be that woman that could "Do it All". As I walked to the office coffee station with a new found optimism, I realized... everything would be alright... just as soon as I completed my "managerial responsibility" of brewing a fresh pot of coffee.

Things are moving... at a snail's pace

2006-01-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Perhaps they were right. (THEY being the scientists that had titled January 23rd 2006 as the most depressing day of the year). Today doesnt seem NEARLY as gloomy as yesterday. The sun is shining, the Federal Elections are over and decided... and I think I heard something about reaching record temperatures by this afternoon!!! Things are looking up!

I donned a dark brown blazer & slacks as I admired proudly in the mirror the "cheery" image I was putting out there for the world, despite the turmoil that was within me. Today WOULD be a good day. I would smile and maybe even laugh. Yes, it was decided... today would be the start of something wonderful.

When I arrived into the office; there sitting in it's rightful place, already full & inviting, was the coffee pot. Someone had actually MADE coffee this morning!!! Working in marketing surrounded by men, it was always something of a battle to remind them that although we had different anatomies, it did not proclude the males in our office from doing such "domestic" roles as starting the coffee pot in the morning. Something that somehow managed to fall into my job description as the Director of Marketing out of sheer necessity. But there it sat... steaming, rich & black. Surely this sign of good fortune was a precursor to other wonderful events yet to unfold today... wasn't it?

As I dialed the nurse, returning her call from the day prior, I was anxious about what she may say. Jennifer... I think that's what she said her name was when she quickly picked up the phone. I would need to remember that in case I had any more questions and wanted to call back. I jotted the name down amidst dozens of others on a scratch pad near my phone. An act of futility I am sure, since undoubtedly the bright pink post-it would land in the trash later this week when I could make no sense or reason of this seemingly random list of names on the tiny square.
Great News! I could start the IUI process... I was officially on to Step 2 in this whole thing. (Step 1 being the last 4 months on Clomid to increase egg production and better time my cycles). That sounded promissing... and not having to delay to offer my body a break was good news. But what about... "And you are wait-listed for IVF" she piped up, interupting my thought pattern. What was she saying? I would need to stop drawing stick people around the name Jennifer on the pink square of paper and focus. "You can do this round of IUI, and then take the next 2 months off to prepare for IVF." "That will be about right since the wait list is nearly 3 months"... "would this work for me?" she asked. Would it work for me? YES! YES most definitely. It seemed near perfect actually. And so it begins... this journey was officially starting.

What a day! Phew!!

After returning a zillion emails and phone calls, finishing the last of the coffee & attending a conference call; I hurried to the Fertility Clinic to purchase the clomid required for my IUI & to pay our deposit for the IVF program. Thankfully when I got there, it was quiet and I was in and out within a 1/2 hour. The receptionist was SO nice and managed to schedule us for our information meeting required to be accepted into the IVF program... March 16th! That seems SO long away! But at least we can start planning right?

Then, after wrapping up a few promotions set to roll at work, I headed home in time to change into a pair of jeans and grab the tickets to the hockey game. Just what I needed... a night with my husband to keep my mind off of everything that has been going on. We have come to love the fact our season tickets get us out with friends a few times a week, and tonight was certainly no different. Nearly 3 hours later, pocket dogs (a hotdog and baguette combination of sorts) had made a delicious dinner... a malt made an even more delightful desert and the home team won the game 2-0. Yes it was most certainly a great day.

How DID I get here????

2006-01-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

Today; A Monday... with all the ugliness of a typical Monday morning. I heard on the radio as I drove into work, that today has been appointed the most depressing day of the year according to scientists measuring the effects of light, air quality and moods of people across North America.

Great... just great... So this is how my day is starting huh? With some anonymous announcer on the other side of the radio forecasting this uplifting news.

As I took the 20 minute drive into work that followed the same path as it had for the last 5 years, my mind began to wander (as I could likely drive this route with my eyes closed) I thought about how I got here, what I was likely to face in the months to come, and continued the internal battle that had me up 1/2 the night tossing and turning with anguish.

When I married 17 months ago... it was picture perfect. My life seemed complete (or at least well on it's way to being complete). At 33, I was ready to start a family; change the priorities that, up until then, had been a fantastic career, to pull back and raise the family I had always dreamt of creating. Being healthy and active, I assumed that after a few months of "practice", I would be complaining about expanding waist bands and swollen feet. Yet after 12 months... nothing. Hmmm.... perhaps my husband was to blame! That MUST be it! I quickly sent him off to have a "sperm analysis" which he wasn't thrilled about. Despite his hesitations, he went, and got back "rave reviews"... I never would have predicted the site of my husband strutting around the house boasting about motility and morphology... but there he was, all 6'4" of him proud as the day he scored his first touchdown.

Well if it wasn't him.... could it be.... ME???? Impossible! But at a loss, I anxiously awaited the phone call from the Regional Fertility Clinic here in Calgary (That I had casually requested entry to 6 months prior) to look into the possibility that the problem was mine and not my husband's. The RFC boasts the highest success rates in the country, and wait lists are long... but at least they were here in Calgary and I was lucky enough to get in shortly after.

When I left the doctor's office that afternoon my head was whirling... IUI, BD, OPK, HPT, IVF, HSG, LAP, Progester-what?, U/S... what did all these mean? How was I ever going to keep them straight? It sounded like an awful lot of poking and prodding...How did my husband get away with only flipping through a "girlie" magazine and walking out with his "work" complete in a jar to be analyzed! Ahhh to be a man! But as I went through test after test... everything came back clear. So what did this mean???

So I returned to the doctor's office with more questions than answers... hoping to leave with a plan of action and a baby a month later. I mean, what's the value in working with the top fertility specialists in the Country if they couldn't give me the miracle answers right off the bat right?

ahhh.... Clomid.... the ever feared, hot flashing, bloating, cranky booster, tiny little pills.... so THIS was the magic potion! It sounded easy enough... 2 pills making up 100mg every night before going to bed, for 5 days.... and then 5 days later start having sex like crazy. (Those trying to conceive call this time "BD'ing" for Baby Dancing.... which I guess is fitting! This was the protocol prescribed by my doctor. 4 months worth... WOW it couldn't POSSIBLY take 4 months.... could it? I mean, this is ME we're talking about. I never get sick, I've never had as much as a cast on my arm... this would be a piece of cake!

Month 1 went by, nothing.... that's ok...after all, it takes a while for your body to get used to the drugs right?

Month 2 came and went with no success... maybe we weren't "doing" it right.... was there something I missed in grade 8 "health class" that has mislead me all of these years????

Month 3 STILL NOTHING. Ok, now I am pissed.... how is this happening to me? I am frustrated, bitter and overly cranky (confirmed daily by my husband) and am now 100% fed up. It was time to go back to visit my doctor and find out what was up. There HAS to be something that can be done. Surely they must have given me the placebo sugar pills or something, and this will all be explained as some sort of University experiment for the betterment of women everywhere.

I arrived at my doctor's appointment confident that we would sit in the sterile little office, and he would simply prescribe something stronger, or recommend a change in plans.... tweaking things a little bit, since after all that would be all that was needed right?

SLAP

That is how it felt. Like a swift slap across the face as I sat stunned across the table from my doctor. Unfortunately my husband was at home waiting for a delivery of a 60" TV ordered on boxing day at Best Buy... a task much to important to accompany me to such an expectedly mundane appointment. But Whoa.... as my world seemed to be spinning around me out of control, I heard my doctor's voice somewhere in the distance. "The Fibroids are larger than I would like to see"... "unusual crystallization in the ovaries"... "we need to take a closer look".... SCREEEEEECH....... WHAT???? He wants to conduct an Ultrasound right here... right now? What underwear was I wearing? Was I WEARING underwear? Damn... I don't think I shaved my legs, and OH MY GOD I think the shoes I am wearing make my feet stink. This cant possibly be happening. But as I lay there, with my feet up in those awkward stirrups praying he had a cold and couldn't smell the scent of gym shoes; he walked me through the areas of concern he felt needed discussing. Apparently my mother had not only passed on her ability to tan without ever burning, but also her fibroids. I had several... not unusual for a woman of my age, but there was one... in a bit of an awkward place between my stomach and the outer wall of my uterus that was a bit larger than he had hoped to see. 8cm to be precise. Along with that, he also pointed out what looked like a galaxy of stars in my ovaries. Apparently these were also a bit concerning. Dermoids.... that is what he called them. Something I had never read about in all the surfing and reading I had done leading up to this day.

And so we were back in the sterile room... shoes back on and the pink polka dot underwear back safely where they belonged. He was frank, honest and without opinion... feeding me the facts, and leaving it at that. What I did with those facts, was up to me.

Option A) Have an operation. Right Away. Something called a Myoectomy, more invasive than the Laparoscopy I had previously read about, that left a scar across the stomach much like a C-Section. They would go in, scrape out that "gunk" in my ovaries and get those nasty fibroids out. And hopefully, this would do the trick. But this may cause further complications or worse yet...the fibroids could grow back.

Option B) Delay the operation, for a little while. In the meantime, go forward with IUI. (IntraUterineInsemination) The Turkey Baster, so to speak. If after 3 months of treatments, there was still no success... then we would examine IVF (The whole shebang. $10,000 & some pretty invasive procedures) Then, in a few years.... have the operation and carry on with life.

Option C) Just keep taking the Clomid and see where that take us. But if I wait to long for the operation, he warned me that there could be a possibility of needing a Hysterectomy down the road. Scary... and confusing... and enough to make me cry all the way home from the appointment.

So I chose the only option I felt was plausible... the second. I would move on to IUI at the start of my next cycle, and try to have a baby with a little more medical intervention. After 3 months, I would move to IVF... meaning that by May, I should be pregnant... 4 months... I could do that couldn't I?

And so a week later, with a plan of action in place and a holiday scheduled to the Dominican Republic that was a Christmas Gift to my mother... we all boarded a plane looking for an escape from the exhaustion and the cold of home. Dancing with sand between our toes, and laughing at silly moments while floating in the pool beneath the Caribbean sun... our troubles at home seemed miles away. But we all knew that when we returned, they would be there waiting for us.

Last night I tossed and turned, knowing that this morning, I would be calling the clinic as directed; to tell them that it was the first day of this new cycle.... my IUI cycle... and that we were now moving to the next phase! But why was I so conflicted? 3 months of IUI.... was that to long? Would it be a waste of time? Should I be changing the plan and going straight to IVF? Could we afford to do that? What about adding acupuncture, or progesterone supplements... so many things that seemed unanswered. Would I know what I would decide before calling the clinic when I arrived at my office?

The Office... I had driven straight past the 3 Tim Horton's along the route to work... around the icy corners not yet sanded after a snowfall that must have occurred some time during my restless sleep... and had come to idle in the lone spot left in the company parking lot. I had arrived. Safe, and warm... filled with a nervous excitement at WHATEVER today would bring. This would truly be the first day of the rest of my life.

Why haven't they called me back? I am sure it has been hours now since I left a message at the clinic asking someone to call me back in regards to my IUI cycle that was scheduled. Had they lost my file, were they having second doubts? Call me!!!!! And then.... "ring ring"... the call display flashed the familiar number across the screen and the time had come to make my decision.

The nurse was nice... she let me babble about my fears, questions and ideas. Listening (I'm sure using all the patience she could muster) and then... after I was done, offered what she could to address my concerns. Yes, I was officially listed as an IUI patient for this cycle.... I would take the clomid starting Wednesday, and then 10 days later, we would likely be completing the process with a trip into the clinic where they would inseminate me with what would promise to be a cleaned up and perfected version of my husbands usual "contribution". She would talk to my doctor and ask if I could be placed on the IVF wait list... this wait was about 3 months, so that sounded about perfect to me! But wait... there was bad news. Apparently, in order to start IVF I would need to be off the clomid for 2 months previous... that would put us back to July before we would possibly get pregnant. Hmmm.... And then the whole process would take 7 weeks before transplantation... WOW... that's nearly 2 more months, and now September. Could this be happening???? Could it BE any worse? Yes... apparently it could. Reading my chart she remarked that it was unusual to continue on Clomid for longer than 3 months in a row. Doctors prefer to have 2 months break between every 3 cycles.

HOLD ON... I can't be hearing right. What was she saying? That it our plan to start IUI this month may be delayed? That we may be waiting until April to start this whole entire process.... let me figure this out... April to start... 3 months of IUI.... then 2 months break off Clomid to prepare for IVF and THEN 7 weeks for the second procedure to conclude? That would be OCTOBER... further out than if I got pregnant tonight and carried the baby full term like most women on the planet. Un-Acc-Eptable.

And so I asked the question sure to make her batty... could I scrap the original plan, of which she had spent the first 15 minutes of the call scheduling my appointments, detailing the program and ordering the required tests and paperwork. I wanted to throw the plan out the window... stop taking the Clomid immediately, and get on the waiting list for IVF right away. Of course, she couldn't answer that for me... and would need to consult my doctor before giving me the decision that would alter the outlook of this upcoming year. And so... I hung up the phone and well.... waited for my future to begin.