Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

And it was ALL going so well...

The weekend ended as uneventfully as it started... doing little more than some light house cleaning, and grocery shopping. Sunday night, we headed to the in-laws for dinner, before they boarded their RV and took off to the sunny Southern States for 4 months.

And then...for some reason yesterday, I hit the emotional wall.

After running around town for 3 hours buying up these "absolutely perfect" wall lockers for the new house (needing 5 and each store seeming to only have 1 or 2)... my husband came home exhausted. He had ran around town for my benefit, there was no question... since in his eyes, we didn't NEED these, but he wanted to make me happy. When he got home, we ate dinner, and then went about getting little things done that always seem to accumulate throughout the day.

I am not sure what came over me, or why it happened, but I suddenly found myself yelling (yes yelling) at Mike about the whole mess of infertility. I wanted to know how we were going to afford the IVF treatments & still build our dream home... why he didn't seem to care about the process or the treatments we would be receiving... I was screaming and crying... and all he could do was stare at me.

I think he was stunned. Then he got angry. He accused me of being pessimistic, saying that I have been down, and that I need to think positively every cycle or it wouldn't happen. He explained that he would work 3 jobs if he needed, but that we WOULD make this work. He was mad that I didn't seem to think he cared, and couldn't believe that I thought he wasn't helpful considering all the things he has done over the last months, and all the patience he had tried to show.

OK... maybe I was a BIT harsh... but I was just so frustrated! Couldn't he understand that it was hard for me to be positive ALL the time? That at times I would get upset, or worried or even angry that we couldn't get pregnant? We had purchased a book about infertility about a year ago, and I had been the only one reading it for the last 11 months. Didn't he want to know what was going to happen?

The argument quickly ended when, my husband with tears in his eyes asked for the book, apologized for not being there the way I needed him to be, and went downstairs to the living room to read. He was down there for at least an hour before I came down to join him for a while. It was nice, curled up on the couch under a blanket reading together. It seemed fitting, since only 2 years earlier, Mike had bought me these gorgeous yet outrageously priced leather couches for a wedding present, and now we sat curled up preparing for the next step in our lives. I said sorry, and I know he understood that I didn't mean to react that way... but he just sat and continued to read.

I went to bed around 11pm. I have no idea when he came up to bed, but it must have been quite a while longer. This morning, he simply kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me; and then went off to work.

I know these next months will be hard, emotionally taxing I am sure; but worth it in the end. I just need to remind myself that my relationship with my husband is a good one, and that he is a good person... and that no man can possibly please a woman on clomid all the time.

1 Comments:

  • I just found you today - so I need to go back and read all of your history, but I'm glad I found you. Come visit me - there's a large network of infertility bloggers who are great support network.

    By Blogger Beth, at 8:54 PM  

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