Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Highs and Lows of Infertility

It's amazing isn't it? ... the roller coaster ride of infertility... I don't even know how you are supposed to get through it without losing your mind. Isn't the hormonal chaos enough? But you have to add the constant urge to pee on a stick, the meddling questions of "are you pregnant YET" by every family member you confide in, not to mention the sudden fascination and lengthy examinations after each wipe of the toilet paper. Thank God I didn't bother to wake up each morning this month to take my temperature and chart it on the appropriate software to monitor my "chances" I would have surely lost my mind.

So here I sit... 14 days after ovulation and 15 days after the IUI. Everything seemed to be going on schedule, I mean... Hell... all signs pointed to "yes" this cycle. It has taken everything in me not to be peeing on sticks every morning, but I just couldn't justify spending the money... ok... that is crap, I just couldn't bare to see a BFN staring back at me.

This morning, I sat... wiped... and examined. Nope, nothing... Another sign of things to come? If only life were so predictable.

After running errands all afternoon with the Hubby, and successfully picking out our appliances and hardwood flooring for the new house; I came home desperately needing to pee for the umpteenth time since waking. (Another great "sign" I assumed) Again, the ritual began.... sit.... wipe.... examine- WHAT????? Is that pink? It looks pink?... I wipe again.... Yes, it is most definitely pink. And as it sunk in, I started to cry.

Once the tears stopped flowing, and the dissapointment had been pushed to the back of my mind; it was time to look forward... to what? I don't know... Perhaps it was a false alarm, I have read about people that spot before becoming pregnant, I could be one of them. But the reality of it all is, that's likely not the case.

I must look forward... further forward than tomorrow morning, but not 9 months ahead with dreams of Bugaboo Strollers and Mobiles. I need to stop, regroup and move forward with a sense of confidence that will make the road ahead less bumpy. But for today, I want to sit and reflect and hold back the tears over pizza and a glass of red wine.


  • SHIT. That is all that can be said. There aren't any words to soothe or let you know that it will be okay. Becuase I know that it sucks. I'm at the beginning of the 2ww and you are at the end, but I know how you feel.


    By Blogger Crystal, at 8:18 PM  

  • AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Don't you just hate it. I am now in CD3. And beyond annoyed with this process. I so relate to the endless evaluations of the body. I am too controling to give up temping. And too hopeful at that. About everything. Damn that hag.

    By Blogger Amanda, at 7:08 PM  

  • Oh good, I thought I was the only one who did the TP check. Good luck to you next cycle. Don't give up, I'm crossing my fingers for you =)

    By Anonymous Laundry Girl, at 3:17 PM  

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