Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The Two Week Wait

The Two Week Wait can be notoriously hard... but it's even more so when you have almost no hope for success. Waiting for IVF without medication to increase my hormones, or procedures to place those spermies EXACTLY where they need to go, has left us going through the motions... quite literally, with hopes that by some miracle, we manage to get pregnant the natural way.

4 days now... since my peeing on sticks indicated I was ovulating... sure, we had timed intercourse as suggested... but I really don't think that will result in a baby, I mean, we did that for MONTHS and nothing happened.

I think both Mike and I are simply trying to get by, until we start the whole IVF process... trying to be kind to eachother, trying to eat better... and just trying to survive. The acupuncture has been wonderful, I don't get off the table and feel like my fibroids are shrinking and I suddenly have the worlds best uterus... but somehow it is giving me hope during this time. If nothing else, I really do feel it is preparing my body for the upcoming months. As for the immediate? I enjoy that hour with Leslie... she makes me feel grounded, and in control of my own body; something that has been intensely missing in my life as of late.

OK... through all this craziness, I have come to a conclusion about babies. I am referring to other people's babies by the way, not the ones that I crave for my own. In reading the message boards, resource books and fertility forums... women bring up their feelings about seeing babies. I admit, when you are trying to conceive it seems as though every commercial is for diapers or fisher price toys, and that your doctor suddenly started specializing in only treating patients of the cabbage patch variety... and this bothers many mommies to be. They get jealous, depressed and just plain annoyed that at every turn, they are confronted by chubby cheeks and drool. I thought about this after reading a recent forum of women debate the presence of babies in the waiting rooms of their fertility clinics... and at first I didn't know WHAT I thought about it.

It wasn't until last night, when sitting at the hockey game, I stared down at baby Kylan; who was a mere 6 weeks old and the first baby for the couple that has sat directly in front of us for the last 5 seasons. As I watched him gurgle and bob over his mom's shoulder and trying desperately to get a feeling for his surrounding; he looked up at me with a vulnerability that could only be found in a child this young. Not jaded by the fear of strangers, not spoiled with the thoughts of ice cream and sodas should they sit still through the first period... he was simply Kylan. As I watched him smile up at me, I realized... how could this image make me sad, or jealous? I cant even describe the emotion I felt.... but it certainly wasn't one of upset. He was a miracle... and although I was still waiting for MINE to arrive... it was no less a miracle for his parents. I am so happy that we are working hard to bring such a blessing into our own lives, and when he or she makes their appearance, they will never have to question they were loved, even before they were conceived.


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