Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Calm After the Storm

It has been 2 days since learning of our friend's pregnancy, and with the two days that have passed, it has brought me a lot of clarity.

I had a long talk with the hubby last night about it, because I felt I needed to explain how I was feeling.

I am thrilled that they are pregnant... they have been trying for many years, and I am so happy that they finally have their miracle on the way. This couple has always been very private, but have told us through the year's that we are the only friends they have so I am sad that they weren't able to share these last months. The hubby's best friend was pretty upset when he and Mike talked, trying to explain to him that it had killed him not to tell us. But I know that she has often had privacy concerns... so I guess I have to respect that.

I am not even upset that they kept their journey a secret. Honestly, what I am so upset about is the fact that they actually lied to us.

I think back to our trip together to Vegas at the end of last summer. I was not drinking that trip, since I was starting my protocol of Clomid, and was not feeling great as a result. As she and I lay by the pool, I told her about how scared I was of the symptoms I had been warned about. I mentioned that my doctor was nice, and that I was praying that the Clomid would be all we needed. I only shared this because, we were the only couples that knew the others were trying to have kids... and that we were both having problems getting that BFP. She turned to me and said "OOOOOOO Yuck...That Sucks... I don't EVER want to be where you are at... I sure hope we are never in your shoes". At the time, I thought it was a bit hurtful, but also honest... and I accepted the statement. But now we have learned that she had in fact been taking Clomid that month too, and that we had been at the same stage in all of this at the time.

I know that everyone has the right to protect their personal life, and I completely understand that everyone deals with things differently, but I am still stunned and hurt. Her sister called and left a message yesterday, asking if I wanted to help host the baby shower, and I had my hubby call back on my behalf and decline... it took everything in me to not cry.

I realize that to some people on the outside, my emotions may seem cold, angry and hostile. But I don't apologize for it. I am bitter, I am angry... this is NOT how my life was supposed to be. I did not imagine that I would be facing 35, injecting myself with hormones, being poked and prodded and feeling like I am a failure as a woman. If at times, I seem more emotional than I rightly deserve, or angry with the circumstances I am a part of... I think this is part of the necessary grieving that happens when you find your life so completely out of control.

4 Comments:

  • I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I think admitting that you have these feelings is often therapuetic! I think I"d make perfectly clear to your friends that it's not that they are having a baby that you're mad about it's the fact that they lied about it repeatedly! How can they even call themselves your friends?

    By Blogger Shannon O., at 7:15 AM  

  • came just to see if you sounded as you said at ff.. I don't think you do at all.

    any chance the friend in question got the clomid "idea" from you?? and perhaps that's why she kept her mouth tightlipped???

    either way....hon It's a baby...she is your friend....

    of cours ask her why for your own personal emotional well being.

    By Anonymous windchimes, at 9:39 AM  

  • I just had to say how awful I feel for you! Honestly if that were my friend I'd kick her to the curb! It's one thing to want to maintain some privacy and not go into details about their struggles if they didn't want to, but to completely masquerade about it like that and then tell you so late into the pregnancy? That's just insensitive and thoughtless in my opinion and not something a true friend would do. I would demand an explanation upfront, and it's up to you if you can forgive them or not. I don't think I could, but that's just me. Hang in there sweetie!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:53 PM  

  • Sweetie,
    I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I have seen this situation on both sides of the story and let me tell you, IF is such a big and intimate struggle to battle with. Some people never share it with friends or family for years. Perhaps if she is close enough with you she can share the reason why she kept it from you. Perhaps she kept thinking she would lose the baby (like many IF women do) and why bother to tell if it is not really happening.
    You will only know what is in her mind if you ask her. I am sure she will tell you why and you will feel bettwe about the whole situation. Secrets are not good, but when things get out on the clear, friendships become stronger. I hope you feel better, it is not easy to get this news especially with the ups and downs of IF.

    By Blogger Demeter, at 11:15 AM  

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