Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Friday, May 05, 2006

Brightness in an otherwise frumpy day.

I was dreading today... I was needing to go and buy something formal for an event we were attending on Saturday night... the other girls are wearing something strapless, tight and black. Unlike me, their bodies haven't been contorted and taunted by hormones and stress over the last year, and they will surely look stunning in whatever they wear. The thought of me in something similar however, was enough to make me nauseous and crawl under the covers until Monday morning. I needed to find something, but what????

It was warm out... I mean really warm out... the first day of the year where jackets seemed completely out of the question. Why is it that my arms suddenly took on the resemblance of sausages? When did this happen? I knew the Clomid had been a bit cruel on my body... but I hadn't noticed how unfamiliar it had become until tank tops and shorts started to make their way to the front of my closet. I felt frumpy... not exactly the best mood to be in when searching for "THE" dress.

Before heading to the mall I had one appointment to keep... the only thing I WAS looking forward to in my day. Acupuncture. It had been over a week since my last appointment, since this week had been so crazy, I had to delay my usual Wednesday session until today. It would be the first time I would see her since learning that IVF was in my near future. As soon as I stepped into the office, she came running over with a giant grin. She wanted to hear all about the call, how I had been feeling, and about everything I was looking forward to. I told her about the meditation CD and she was very familiar with it. In fact, she had it downloaded on her ipod and recommended that we use it in our sessions, which was fabulous, since it would surely add to the success of my treatments. She talked to me about why it actually helped in the process. The body has two natural states of being: "Fight or Flight" & "Feed and Breed". Often with the struggles of TTC and the stress of every day life, we place our bodies in the fight or flight mode... protecting ourselves from predators, and using all of our subconscious strength to ward off harm. In the second, feed and breed state of being; your body is at rest and relaxation. This state enables your hormones to balance, calmness to return, and create the most conducive environment for creating new life. Meditations, yoga and relaxation imagery all aid in creating the calm that is required for nurturing a pregnancy.... being reminded of this brought me back to my goal of creating a warm and confident being through these next couple of months.

So there I sat, ready to take it all in... no matter the cost, to be in the best possible mindset for my treatments. And then she shared with me the news... I was officially going to be a part of her study. Starting today, I would be seeing her twice a week, following the protocol set up by the fertility clinic to examine the positive effect acupuncture had on IVF success. How exciting!!! And to make it even more wonderful, the news meant... no more fees! Free acupuncture!! Could my day get any better?

I left with a skip in my step... calmness in my mind and an easiness that welcomed the sun that flooded my face as I walked out into the parking lot. Today was a good day....

Ahh.... but alas it would not last forever! I was now heading to the mall. Dreading what was waiting for me amidst the fluorescent lights and all to perky sales ladies cheerily suggesting the latest tube top while sporting a size 0.

I knew that calmness was to be short lived.... oh well, it was wonderful while it lasted!


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