Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Saturday, June 03, 2006

The Much Anticipated Ultrasound

I'm feeling good about my pending appointment tomorrow morning. Sure, I have fears that I may not have as many follicles as I would like, or that they will find that by some medical mystery I managed to ovulate prior to administering a trigger shot despite taking Superfact daily... but then I stop and think about all the things I am doing to make this happen, and I am reminded that I must trust in the process, and accept whatever comes my way. I am doing all I can.

It has become a real way of life over the last month, waking each morning and downing a 250ml glass of Bolthouse Green Juice; which has everything from broccoli to Wheatgrass cleverly disguised in a smoothie of apple, pear, kiwi and pineapple juice. Sure it LOOKS gross, but I feel good knowing that I start each morning with such a boost to my system. Since I have cut out all dairy and red meat in preparation for IVF; the only source of dairy I am allowing myself is yogurt. Activia has become my brand of choice, since it's live bacteria is supposed to be excellent for you... and it comes in a delicious pear flavor...YUMMMM!!!

To be honest, I don't miss the red meat all that much. Although it has been a bit harder to decide what to cook for dinner, I know it is a small sacrifice I can make to cut out a lot of the hormones that are proven to be in beef, and which are counterproductive to the IVF process. I am to lazy to drive to the specialty shop for organic beef... I suppose I would have, had I really craved it over the last month, but so far I am doing ok!

My acupuncture sessions twice a week have been, as usual, extremely therapeutic. I still feel so blessed to have found her; it was by sheer coincidence really, but then... through this process, I have discovered that there have been events and people that have entered my life that can not possibly be coincidental occurrences. My support system between the tightly knit online community has become essential in feeling secure, confident and assured that whatever happens, I will come out ok... Surely finding these women both in my own city and thousands of miles away could not have been random. They were brought to me, and I them... I feel incredibly blessed by that fact.

I have more strength of character and empowerment than I ever thought possible. I never imagined I could take a needle, prep it properly and inject it carefully into my stomach, but yet I have come to welcome this moment. I spend it alone, as I am doing it at a time where my hubby is at work; but in some ways this to is therapeutic. As I prep and inject the needle, I know that this process is one of the few physical acts that I am controlling in this process. Without these injections, IVF would not be possible... and in turn, becoming pregnant may be an impossibility. But by my overcoming a fear, and injecting that small amount of fluid, I am once again a part of my fertility... something I wasn't sure I could ever feel again after the long months battling this disease. (say what you will, but if alcoholism is a disease, infertility most certainly can be classified in that category... it was not my choice to be unable to conceive naturally)

Surprisingly, even the meditations have been somewhat of a God send. When the CD first arrived, I wasn't sure if I would be able to find that quiet moment to release the tension and accept the meditations specifically designed for IVF. But after 6 days of Stimulants, and daily meditations called "Hitting Your Mark", I find myself welcoming the next step with a new found calmness.

So here I sit, a little crampy, but knowing that this means the medications are working their way through my body, and that I am prepared for what tomorrow will bring. I am happy... at peace... and most of all ready. Ready for confirmation of all the work I have done thus far in healing and preparing my body for the process that is soon to come.


  • What a great way to think about the injections..I've never thought about it that way before!

    By Blogger Dawn, at 7:24 AM  

  • Wishing you the best of luck...!

    By Blogger Hopeful Mother, at 4:39 PM  

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