Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Monday, July 17, 2006

How does one feel in control one second & then...

Feel as if the world is spinning out of control the next.

I was so confident, so proud of the woman I had proven to be through the last 6 months of this journey. I had gotten through things I never thought possible, survived needles and hormones that would make normal women crazy... I had proven to myself that I was indeed strong and able; ready to raise a child. I had no doubt I would be a great mom...And Mike? Well he was placed on this earth to be a dad... I am sure of it. He is the most giving and warm man I have ever met, and so I felt excited when we saw that we were finally pregnant, and welcomed the possibilities that accompanied this long awaited news.

So when we walked into the ultrasound this morning, I was excited to get this party started... trying to keep my emotions in check, reminding myself that one precious child would be a blessing and that not seeing a perfect set of twins as a result of the 2 embryos that were transferred back over a month ago, should not be reason for disappointment. Let's keep realistic, the national average for even 1 baby in an IVF cycle is just over 30%, and for two miracles, the success rates are even lower. I would simply be happy to hear that my child was doing well, and leave it at that.

Laying on that table as the technician slathered the ultrasound gel across my belly, the anxiety took better... PLEASE GOD.... let everything be looking ok.

She was quick to offer reassurance, she immediately spotted the dark circle on the screen identified as the sac, with the white globe inside it. There, next to the white "yolk sac" was a small moon shaped form. This was our baby!!!! It's heart was beating fast and strong.... 135 beats per minute...a perfect rate for a baby this small! We were simply in awe as we watched this minute grain of rice flutter at such a beautiful and remarkable pace.

Then she stopped, added more ultrasound gel, and pressed firmly again, over and over she circled the same area...and I began to be concerned. Was there something wrong? Had something happened that had the technician scared of complications or a potential miscarriage of our precious little one? My heart began to quicken, surely the same rate as that little miracle growing inside me.

We should have known something was up the minute she said it... "I have worked here for 15 years" she started "and although I have heard of this happening, your officially my first".... WHAT DID THAT MEAN??? WHAT WAS WRONG???

Then, the news came at us from out of nowhere. Some how, the second embryo that had been placed back in my uterus last month, also stuck... and beating odds of about 1 in 16million, had chosen to divide into two healthy identical twins... I was pregnant with triplets.

Multiples don't run in the family, in fact this is a first for any generation on either side of the family tree. So how was this possible? Our minds began to race.

It's been hours since learning the news. We are still overwhelmed and scared. But honestly, even with all the fear that things wont go right, I feel blessed. Even when we involve medical intervention, the best doctors and seemingly have 100% control of a such a complex process, God reminds us that at the end of the day, he does what he wants anyway.... and for now, he wants us to love and nurture 3 beautiful babies. He brought us to this point, and will surely help us through the next 7 months... all I have to do now is let it sink in...and then start this new chapter with a newly energized focus.

I hope we can do this!


  • I have been following your story and OMG you had me so scared at the title of this post!


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:22 PM  

  • I am so excited for you! I follow your story often and share in your delight at hearing the wonderful news!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:21 PM  

  • I can't imagine how you are feeling! As the above girls have said, I have followed your blog and am so excited for you! This is such a blessing for you two. Congratulations!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:18 PM  

  • Only fraternal twins run in families. Identical twins are an amazing anomaly, and obviously a blessing as well. It's finally good to see that you beat the odds in a good way in the war on IF! So happy for you!

    By Anonymous gabby, at 11:03 AM  

  • You have a way of keeping me on the edge of my seat and then slamming me with a complete twist! Triplets - AWESOME!!! Congrats, that is wonderful news.

    By Blogger Inglewood, at 10:54 PM  

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