Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Not Even Chocolate Cupcakes Hold the Answer When Things get Complicated

I recently thought about changing the name of my blog, I mean, after all...hadn't I "conquered" infertility? But who was I kidding there is no such thing as conquering this miserable beast...I had simply stepped around it's sleeping body by some strand of modern medicine and miracles. I was still on this journey, and honestly... the title still rings true.

Why Me? Now What?

I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday since the Ultrasound... they had to call the lab to have the results faxed to them, and midway my appointment the nurse came in and handed the confirmation to my babbling to my doctor. Needless to say, she was shocked. We knew what we would have to do... I would officially be referred to a high risk OBGYN for the balance of this pregnancy. She said things looked good... that at this point, there were no concerns, but that coming back at 12 weeks would help compare the results from Monday and ensure that things were progressing on track... all of it seemed so matter of fact, and I left feeling like things were starting to stop spinning.

I had started to feel better the moment I picked up a book and started to educate myself. I have found knowledge empowering through out this journey... and needless to say I felt powerless when I stepped off the Ultrasound table Monday morning. I quickly used online resources to determine which book would stay clear of scare tactics but give honest, straightforward & accurate information I would need to keep not only myself, but these babies healthy through the coming months. "When you are expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads" by Dr. Barbara Luke & Tamara Eberlein was that such book. Absorbing the informative and detailed plan to a healthy pregnancy of "supertwins" (triplets) was easy... and I knew that with this guidance, my husband's support and the watchful eye of my acupuncturist and doctors...I WOULD be able to get through whatever was thrown at me next.

So yesterday, when I arrived home from my afternoon accupuncture session, I felt good putting back that wonderfully chocolatty "Crave-O-Licious" cupcake with blue buttercream icing... and when the phone rang, I thought nothing of it as I cleared my throat with a large gulp of milk.

It was Dr. O'Keane... the doctor that had become my unsung hero.... with the bedside manner of a bestfriend and the medical skills of a man top in his field. I had requested him as my OBGYN after hearing he was still practicing labor and delivery and hadn't moved entirely to fertility treatments. After all...he HAD been the doctor working the day the little embryos had been placed back inside me over a month ago...wouldn't it be fitting to have him deliver these three tiny bundles of joy?

He congratulated me and said that the ultrasound had just landed on his desk. He wondered how I was feeling, and guessed that this may the reason for my recent bloating this last month, laughing that they hadn't expected THAT to be the issue. But then his tone turned more serious. He talked to me about how complications often arise with Multiples...and that women aren't necessarily built to carry three thriving babies... something we needed to think about. Had we discussed selective reduction? He was asking the question that only hours before had crossed Mike and My's conversation on the cell phone as we were stuck in traffic each driving home from our day's events. I wasn't comfortable with it...and neither was Mike. We knew there could be risks.... and most definitely a change to the way I lived my life if we went forward carrying all three babies... but bed rest, C-Sections and exaggerated monitoring and stress on my body were all scenarios we were at peace with... selective reduction to make things easier was not. We had agreed that should they spot a genetic abnormality in early testing, we would potentially reconsider our position, but to reduce from 3 seemingly healthy babies to a set of twins where risks and preterm labor still exists...just seemed out of our realm of possibility at this point.

"We would wait and see" he said...another Ultrasound was in order... at 10 weeks he felt I should come in and meet with Dr. Greene... to determine what we need to do relative to the babies growing inside. I know he HEARD me say we didn't want to look at reduction, but he seemed to press on with the issue...was Dr. O'keane slowly losing favor on the pedestal on which I had placed him weeks earlier? He reassured me that couples with triplets are split 50/50 with ones that carry on with 3 babies and ones that choose to selectively reduce the numbers growing inside... so it wasn't impossible.... but he kept going back to the risks.

As I hung up the phone, I was more confused than ever. Would I let my doctors guide me to the decision they felt was best? Or would I continue to trust my body and move forward with the best tools and support as I had when I chose to surgo surgery for my fibroids, or dismissed the option to attempt several IUI procedures... we had a LOT to consider. In the meantime, I plan on moving forward as if the decision to carry all three babies had already been solidified...I would have them healthy and strong by that next ultrasound and prove to this team of experts that I COULD do it....but for that, I needed just ONE more cupcake.


  • People have bugged me about my blog name, My Inconceivable Life, as I have conceived 6 times, only to have 6 losses. But I keep it because my life is not what I ever thought it would be. Your title is a Journey, you can decide when it ends.

    My advice is always to think about how you will feel tomorrow. It isn't Dr. O'Keane, (he is my RE BTW - he is very gentle but doesn't always listen, at times I have to be firm), it is you. Take into consideration the Dr, google, books etc, but in the end make the best decision for you familty. Good luck.

    The cupcake sounds delicious, now I am going to have to go to Crave for a little treat!

    By Blogger Inglewood, at 9:24 AM  

  • OH KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just saw something on FF that you are having triplets! I am so happy and in awe for you!!! Please announce it on the Canadian FF site before I do! I am so thrilled for you! Identical twins plus one!!!!!!!11

    By Anonymous Fishermanswife, at 9:39 PM  

  • You deserve at least 3 cupcakes! Keeping you in my thoughts!

    By Anonymous gabby, at 9:11 AM  

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