Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lady In Waiting

It's been a while, a while since things seemed less chaotic... more mundane... more sane. Those days where you knew what was going to happen next, and everything seemed to go on as scheduled... I miss those days!

The last few weeks have scrambled along with a feverish pitch, and yet I am still standing still. How is this possible? Although it feels as though so much has happened, the reality is, that nothing has happened at all.

Rolling back in my mind, I replay the events that have consumed my life as of late.

The educational seminar... the night my hubby and attended to learn about this crazy journey, and hopefully get answers to questions we didnt even know we had regarding IVF and the procedures it entailed. He was funny... (My doctor who was running the first 1/2 of the seminar)His crass jokes and light attitude definitely helped ease the tension that was evident amongst the 30 or so couples in the room that night. I'm used to his sense of humor, in fact I WELCOME it... but others in the room were a bit surprised at some of his comments... a fact that made it even funnier to me and the hubby! I'll be honest, most of what they talked about was old news for me... after all, I had spent nearly every waking moment leading up to that night reading, researching and chatting with fellow TTCers for hours... I knew about the success rates, the expected timelines and even about the potential risks. But yet, I still found it soothing. I think it helped most in knowing that Mike was suddenly forced up to speed on this journey, and that he could feel a part of something that, up until now; he had only been privy to when "duty called".

We were in it together... the meeting solidified this fact, even though I knew this to be true long before. There has never been a doubt in my mind that Mike wants to have a child as much as I do... but that evening gave me that final reassurance that we could really DO this.

The following weeks were met with the usual appointments, anxious waiting and stick peeing. (Not having much faith in seeing anything other than the single pink line flash across the small window.) The only bright light each week was my acupuncture appointment. It was my hour to unwind, to relax and to feel like I was in control of this crazy ride. 3 weeks into my cycle, and just beginning the dreaded 1 week wait, my appointment was greeted by a certain oddity by the doctor. She tested my pulse, tested again and eventually took it a third time as I lay there "full" of needles. It wasn't until I returned the following week (now officially starting a new cycle with the arrival of Aunt Flow that morning) that I learned why she was intent on triple checking my pulse.

I must explain straight off, that the connection I have built with this acupuncturist is one of genuine friendship... I trust her completely and there is a certain peace I feel in knowing I can talk to her about anything. We chat about movies and our latest impulsive purchase on Ebay, as all the while I am getting poked in mysterious points on my body with tiny needles.

When I walked in last week, she looked at me with such excitement... that I was sure SHE had big news for me. "So????" she asked... "So what?" was my immediate reply. "Any news for me" she wanted to know. "Well, I got my period today!" I exclaimed... since by mid afternoon I had already convinced myself that this was a GOOD thing, as it got me one month closer to starting IVF. "DARN". She blurted and then kind of laughed at her faux pas in the waiting room... "I was SO sure... I was getting such GREAT vibes from you last week."


"DARN!" I repeated in a burst of laughter... why hadn't she told me, I would have eaten more pineapple, or remembered my baby asprin every night... or talked to my uterus before falling asleep... surely one of these old wives tales would have worked in making that little bean stick and give me that BFP!!! Ok, maybe not, but it would have been far more exciting that waking up and having to make the first stop on the way to the office at the drug store to pick up this month's supply of tampons!

And so it continues. According to the information session, the clinic will call 7-10 days after day 1 of a cycle, if you are accepted into the IVF program that month. Well, that's today. Day 7... so a different kind of 1 week wait begins. As I wait for the phone to ring, I am faced with many different emotions... scared, excited and most of all impatient. I am truly a lady in waiting... I just hope that at the end of this journey, I can say it was all worth waiting for.