Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Friday, May 05, 2006

Brightness in an otherwise frumpy day.

I was dreading today... I was needing to go and buy something formal for an event we were attending on Saturday night... the other girls are wearing something strapless, tight and black. Unlike me, their bodies haven't been contorted and taunted by hormones and stress over the last year, and they will surely look stunning in whatever they wear. The thought of me in something similar however, was enough to make me nauseous and crawl under the covers until Monday morning. I needed to find something, but what????

It was warm out... I mean really warm out... the first day of the year where jackets seemed completely out of the question. Why is it that my arms suddenly took on the resemblance of sausages? When did this happen? I knew the Clomid had been a bit cruel on my body... but I hadn't noticed how unfamiliar it had become until tank tops and shorts started to make their way to the front of my closet. I felt frumpy... not exactly the best mood to be in when searching for "THE" dress.

Before heading to the mall I had one appointment to keep... the only thing I WAS looking forward to in my day. Acupuncture. It had been over a week since my last appointment, since this week had been so crazy, I had to delay my usual Wednesday session until today. It would be the first time I would see her since learning that IVF was in my near future. As soon as I stepped into the office, she came running over with a giant grin. She wanted to hear all about the call, how I had been feeling, and about everything I was looking forward to. I told her about the meditation CD and she was very familiar with it. In fact, she had it downloaded on her ipod and recommended that we use it in our sessions, which was fabulous, since it would surely add to the success of my treatments. She talked to me about why it actually helped in the process. The body has two natural states of being: "Fight or Flight" & "Feed and Breed". Often with the struggles of TTC and the stress of every day life, we place our bodies in the fight or flight mode... protecting ourselves from predators, and using all of our subconscious strength to ward off harm. In the second, feed and breed state of being; your body is at rest and relaxation. This state enables your hormones to balance, calmness to return, and create the most conducive environment for creating new life. Meditations, yoga and relaxation imagery all aid in creating the calm that is required for nurturing a pregnancy.... being reminded of this brought me back to my goal of creating a warm and confident being through these next couple of months.

So there I sat, ready to take it all in... no matter the cost, to be in the best possible mindset for my treatments. And then she shared with me the news... I was officially going to be a part of her study. Starting today, I would be seeing her twice a week, following the protocol set up by the fertility clinic to examine the positive effect acupuncture had on IVF success. How exciting!!! And to make it even more wonderful, the news meant... no more fees! Free acupuncture!! Could my day get any better?

I left with a skip in my step... calmness in my mind and an easiness that welcomed the sun that flooded my face as I walked out into the parking lot. Today was a good day....

Ahh.... but alas it would not last forever! I was now heading to the mall. Dreading what was waiting for me amidst the fluorescent lights and all to perky sales ladies cheerily suggesting the latest tube top while sporting a size 0.

I knew that calmness was to be short lived.... oh well, it was wonderful while it lasted!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The World Keeps Moving

When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure if it would all be still real, but there it was; the sun was indeed shining and the fact that I was starting IVF in less than 2 weeks was STILL a reality. It was a busy day at work... which was good... I needed that to keep my mind off everything else whirling around in there. After running from one meeting to another, and then yet another conference call, I came home exhausted and in need of a long bath and chocolate chip cookies. Last week, in hopes that I would get the call to start IVF, I had purchased a CD online specifically made for women starting IVf... meditations for the entire process, to help unwind, focus and envision your body responding correctly to the medications and treatments... all in hopes of creating the best environment possible. Well, not 4 days later the envelope sat in my mailbox... a welcome and exciting surprise to end my hectic day! Was this yet another sign that things were all aligning perfectly for my pending cycle? (the fact that even with ordering it from the US, and my being in Canada that it arrived so quickly.) I will look at it this way regardless of whether it was simply the great work of the postal service. This would be my outlook from here on in... positive, confident and radiating success.

Monday, May 01, 2006


I knew today could be the day... that the phone would ring and this new chapter in my life would begin. I was told I would get the call if accepted this month sometime before Wednesday, so when the phone rang at just past 10am, the nurse on the other side of the line was the most blessed voice I had heard in months.

The call seemed cordial enough at first... "would I like to start IVF this cycle?" DUHHHHH of COURSE I would!!! ... she followed with a brief description of my suspected protocol, and then asked if I had any questions. Nope... my mind was racing in excitement, how would I have any questions at this stage? Then she brought up payment.... I explained that we were the couple that had won the silent auction for the IVF cycle and meds... she was THRILLED.... suddenly she went from a woman that was going through the motions, to be a friend that was excited for me! She hung up with me feeling excited and positive about what was going to take place!!! Not 5 minutes later she called me back.... confirming she had the right person on the phone, she quickly continued saying Dr. Greene had wanted to tell me he was thrilled I was finally starting IVF, and that he would do everything possible to get me pregnant. She also mentioned that he never does that, but in my case, since he had been the doctor to donate the cycle I had bid on at the auction, he wanted to wish me luck personally.... and so the new chapter began.

The next few weeks would be a whirl wind... I am to start taking a drug called Superfact on May 14th... 5 times a day I would be inhaling this nasal spray along with taking baby asprin. Then on the 29th of May I will be going in for my first U/S and Bloodwork to see how the Superfact is affecting my body and to ensure there are no cysts present. If all is good at the appointment, then I start injections that day until June 11th... WoW.... that is JUST over a month from now!!! That's when they plan to do the Egg retrieval and then 3 days later the Transfer!!!!

I am excited and nervous.... but so happy I could cry.

My boss happened to be in town today, preparing for a meeting later this week. I went for lunch with him to tell him that I would be unable to head off to Toronto in June as planned, since this would be around the time of the IVF. I cant tell you how great a man he is. Not only was he supportive and understanding, telling me I could take the time off with no worries, but he TALKED to me about how I was feeling and that he was proud and excited for us in this next step. Such a load has been taken off my shoulders knowing that I have his support through this, and that I have the time off work to concentrate on getting that elusive BFP.

So that was my day... full of excitement and joy... and as I sit here on the couch replaying my day I realize... this is really it; I am on the path to my new life... it IS happening.