Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Friday, February 24, 2006

It's a GOOD Thing

Sometimes it's nice not to think about ovulation, temperatures and what time of day is best to BD (I still cant get over that we call having sex "Baby Dancing" at this age)...

These last few days have been so busy that I have hardly had time to think about everything that has absorbed me for the past several months. Work has been crazy... but honestly? I don't mind! Tonight, rather than sit around reading about the path to fertility, we attended the home show and met suppliers in preparing for our new home. Windows, flooring, counter tops, fireplaces, the list went on and on....It was fun to walk up and down the aisles with my hubby and enjoy an outing that was purely about "us".

But now that I am back home, done with dinner and Mike has gone back to the office for a few extra hours of paperwork left on his desk... I have time to get back to obsessing over charts and temperatures. A break from it all is a good thing, but let's be honest; there is something addictive about the dozens of websites and buddy groups all directed to trying to get pregnant... at least it let's us know that we are not alone!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

So... It's not ALWAYS about the money

Living through the last year being poked, prodded, emotionally challenged and running from one appointment to another, one thing has become clear. This whole thing is NOT cheap.

Fully expecting to fork out another $200.00 for the IUI this month and next, I began to review our finances while waiting for the doctor to call me back in regards to their decision. We are in no way destitute, and are considered by many to be quite well off... but regardless of that fact, the impact of all the expenses (and the even larger costs coming with IVF) are really starting to impact how we live our daily life. It started with our cutting back on dinners out, or opting for a DVD over the theatre when we felt like a movie... but the further along, and the more real the expense of Invitro Fertilization becomes, the harder it is to justify even the basic necessities. This fact has made it pretty confusing and stressful, when amidst this all, we are building a house! What were we thinking???? (I'll tell you what we were thinking: that we would be pregnant immediately, and that we needed more room for the multitude of children that would instantly come our way the moment we started "trying". )

When the phone rang, I had just completed the mathematical formula on the amount of money we would save eliminating the Venti Caramel Machiato (Decaf now that we are TTC) that had become one of my weekend morning rituals.... It was the nurse. She was talking so fast, but even still, her words seemed slow motion as she repeated the doctors orders. "No". My doctor would not support IUI without medication while I waited for my IVF cycle to begin. ????? Ok, confused, Why not? Apparently he feels that it is a waste of money... that we would be as successful having timed intercourse for the next 2 months and to save the money for our IVF fast approaching. Hmmmm.... I appreciated the fact it wasn't about making money off my desperation, but did they REALLY think sleeping with my husband would do the trick??? C'mon.... who does that REALLY work for?... Oh Okay so people do it all the time... but was it really possible for us?

With this extra $200.00 in the budget, I ripped up the scrap of paper covered with figures and scribbles I had been working on prior to the call; grabbed my keys and headed off to Starbucks. So what if it's only Tuesday? I deserve and extra treat this week don't I?

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Witch Is Back

Well.... the dreaded day has arrived. I am no longer spotting, and "Aunt Flo" has decided to stop in for a visit.

I guess my theory that if I didn't keep tampons in the house, would somehow rally the fertility gods into keeping it away was a bust. Good Thing the hubby has gotten used to this foolish idea, and no longer squirms at the thought of stopping on the way home at the drugstore for the required supplies!

So now what? I called into the period hotline for IVF as requested by my doctor... hoping that the 2 month wait will somehow have been shrunk to my immediate acceptance into the program. I know this isn't in the cards though... and I still need time to allow the clomid to leave my system in preparation for all the other nasty drugs I am going to be injecting over the whole process... but still... there has to be SOMETHING that can be done!!!

Needing to feel a "part" of the solution for the next 2 cycles, I have decided to ask my doctor to allow me to continue with IUI to increase my chances, but of course without the drugs. I know that the odds are fairly small with this type of treatment, but it would be something wouldn't it? I mean we will still keep track of my cycle, and get some lovin' in around the right time too... but it's GOT TO help if we get the little guys shot right up there shouldn't it?

I will hear back tomorrow on what they say, and whether they will allow this idea for this cycle... until then, I sit here grumpy, depressed and crampy. I'm really getting tired of this! Why can't I have morning sickness and swollen ankles to complain about????? PLEASE???????