Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Calm After the Storm

It has been 2 days since learning of our friend's pregnancy, and with the two days that have passed, it has brought me a lot of clarity.

I had a long talk with the hubby last night about it, because I felt I needed to explain how I was feeling.

I am thrilled that they are pregnant... they have been trying for many years, and I am so happy that they finally have their miracle on the way. This couple has always been very private, but have told us through the year's that we are the only friends they have so I am sad that they weren't able to share these last months. The hubby's best friend was pretty upset when he and Mike talked, trying to explain to him that it had killed him not to tell us. But I know that she has often had privacy concerns... so I guess I have to respect that.

I am not even upset that they kept their journey a secret. Honestly, what I am so upset about is the fact that they actually lied to us.

I think back to our trip together to Vegas at the end of last summer. I was not drinking that trip, since I was starting my protocol of Clomid, and was not feeling great as a result. As she and I lay by the pool, I told her about how scared I was of the symptoms I had been warned about. I mentioned that my doctor was nice, and that I was praying that the Clomid would be all we needed. I only shared this because, we were the only couples that knew the others were trying to have kids... and that we were both having problems getting that BFP. She turned to me and said "OOOOOOO Yuck...That Sucks... I don't EVER want to be where you are at... I sure hope we are never in your shoes". At the time, I thought it was a bit hurtful, but also honest... and I accepted the statement. But now we have learned that she had in fact been taking Clomid that month too, and that we had been at the same stage in all of this at the time.

I know that everyone has the right to protect their personal life, and I completely understand that everyone deals with things differently, but I am still stunned and hurt. Her sister called and left a message yesterday, asking if I wanted to help host the baby shower, and I had my hubby call back on my behalf and decline... it took everything in me to not cry.

I realize that to some people on the outside, my emotions may seem cold, angry and hostile. But I don't apologize for it. I am bitter, I am angry... this is NOT how my life was supposed to be. I did not imagine that I would be facing 35, injecting myself with hormones, being poked and prodded and feeling like I am a failure as a woman. If at times, I seem more emotional than I rightly deserve, or angry with the circumstances I am a part of... I think this is part of the necessary grieving that happens when you find your life so completely out of control.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter Sunday...

Days like this are supposed to be about family, and love... and sharing time with those that matter most. It is kind of strange this year, since this year my mom is of course in Vancouver; where she has lived for 8 years now, but even Mike's parents are down south... enjoying the hot sun of Mesa, Arizona. We were alone.

A ham seamed appropriate, and as we made dinner together, we realized that next year at this time, we would be able to cook dinner in our new home. We stopped by the work site today... looks like the framing is going to start on Monday! It really is starting to look like this will be our home!

At dinner Mike started to ask me how I was feeling about hearing about other people getting pregnant. Asking me if my best friend announced to me that she was pregnant again, if I would be happy for her. Of course, I thought... she is so full of love, that I know she would be a fabulous mother to more than just her 2 year old son. I wasn't sure where the conversation was going until... he hit me with it... friends of ours that have been mysteriously absent from our lives for the last few months informed him that they are pregnant. Due in June actually... wow... that is only 2 months from now!

It hit me hard. Not because it is yet another announcement of someone getting pregnant, because I know they have been trying for a long time for this miracle. But, I am upset because they got pregnant via IUI. This whole time I was desperate to have someone to talk to that could truly understand what we had been facing for all of these years, and right there next to us, were what we had previously thought were VERY close friends (He was in our wedding party!) going through it too. The difference was, they didn't think enough of our friendship to even tell us they were going through it.

I am numb, angry and completely empty.

I know this doesn't fit the Easter Spirit, but SCREW THEM. I want nothing to do with them ever again.