Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Highs and Lows of Infertility

It's amazing isn't it? ... the roller coaster ride of infertility... I don't even know how you are supposed to get through it without losing your mind. Isn't the hormonal chaos enough? But you have to add the constant urge to pee on a stick, the meddling questions of "are you pregnant YET" by every family member you confide in, not to mention the sudden fascination and lengthy examinations after each wipe of the toilet paper. Thank God I didn't bother to wake up each morning this month to take my temperature and chart it on the appropriate software to monitor my "chances" I would have surely lost my mind.

So here I sit... 14 days after ovulation and 15 days after the IUI. Everything seemed to be going on schedule, I mean... Hell... all signs pointed to "yes" this cycle. It has taken everything in me not to be peeing on sticks every morning, but I just couldn't justify spending the money... ok... that is crap, I just couldn't bare to see a BFN staring back at me.

This morning, I sat... wiped... and examined. Nope, nothing... Another sign of things to come? If only life were so predictable.

After running errands all afternoon with the Hubby, and successfully picking out our appliances and hardwood flooring for the new house; I came home desperately needing to pee for the umpteenth time since waking. (Another great "sign" I assumed) Again, the ritual began.... sit.... wipe.... examine- WHAT????? Is that pink? It looks pink?... I wipe again.... Yes, it is most definitely pink. And as it sunk in, I started to cry.

Once the tears stopped flowing, and the dissapointment had been pushed to the back of my mind; it was time to look forward... to what? I don't know... Perhaps it was a false alarm, I have read about people that spot before becoming pregnant, I could be one of them. But the reality of it all is, that's likely not the case.

I must look forward... further forward than tomorrow morning, but not 9 months ahead with dreams of Bugaboo Strollers and Mobiles. I need to stop, regroup and move forward with a sense of confidence that will make the road ahead less bumpy. But for today, I want to sit and reflect and hold back the tears over pizza and a glass of red wine.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A Family of Fortunes

What would you do if a stranger disguised as a magician told you, you were pregnant? I for one, would sit in stunned silence. That is afterall, how I reacted when, on Sunday morning we accompanied Mike's Grandma and sister to brunch at a local hotel where they had employed a magician to walk from table to table entertaining the guests as they scarfed down overly sweet cakes and seafood Macaroni Salads.

He seemed harmless enough when he walked up... making small talk as he showed a couple of tricks to Grandma. Then, as a "grand finale" he pulled out balloons to make each of us girls a little souvenir. A little bunny was made for Mike's sister, a poodle for Grandma... and then he stopped; looked at me straight in the eye, and said "do you believe in fortunes?"... well yes, sure, I will play along I thought.... "When you read your fortune, do you follow it, and believe it will be true?" he asked.... yes... ok... where was he going with this?... He then quickly twisted and knotted the long red balloon, handing it to me to inspect the small dog he had created. He then simply said "congratulations" and walked away. WHAT????? I looked at the dog a little closer, and almost as if a miracle, he had twisted a magical ball in the dog's belly... it was pregnant! My sister in law nearly choked on the orange jello she had been focused on, erupting in laughter, while my husband seemed confused but somehow proud of what had just happened. Grandma simply sat and smiled in her usual sweetness, oblivious I am sure to the months of discussions and attempts at getting pregnant, and me? I just sat in silence. It wasn't until my husband and I were in the car alone on the drive home that I exclaimed... "the dog was pregnant!!!!" then it donned on me... did he think I was pregnant??? Was I fat???? How many mini waffles had I actually eaten that morning? Nah.... I would take it as a good sign, an omen perhaps... or simply a sweet coincidence that would help me wait out the nerve wracking coming days before I could pull out the pregnancy tests and look for a +ve sign of things to come.

Seemingly anti-climatic after the pregnant balloon, Monday came and forced us back to reality. We were to meet with the Dr. this morning, to discuss our decision to move directly to IVF after this one attempt at IUI. He wanted me to really evaluate whether I wanted to go ahead... even with the Fibroids, or if perhaps I had considered the operation (which would have me out for 6-8 weeks in recovery) first... and then in 5 months, relooking at IVF. He said some women find the fibroids hinder success in the treatment. I sat... needing to absorb what he was saying. I looked at my husband sitting next to me, and then to the Dr. took a deep breathe and spoke what I was feeling. "I need to move forward and try IVF" I said, "but do you think this is impossible? Do you support that choice? " I was asking the doctor, looking for some sort of direction in his eyes. He leaned across the table, grabbed my hand and said "We will support you, and IVF is what we will do"... and that was it. As we stood he turned around and said "Many MANY women get pregnant with fibroids, and many others get pregnant with IVF and fibroids.... dont be scared, this is a decision that was right for you"...."But hopefully you wont need to about that, 'cause the IUI this month will work".

And so... 11 days past Ovulation, and right on schedule for my typical visit from "aunt flo".... I simply sit and wait. Other than the cramping that has continued through this last month, I haven't really had any other symptoms... and certainly no sure signs that she was coming for the monthly visit... so I remain hopeful, and maybe just maybe, my fortune would be right.