Why Me? Now What? (A Personal Journey Through Infertility)

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Pinch Me

Poke Me... wake me up...

This afternoon, after another sleepless night tossing and turning trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable, I found myself at a loss. I mean, I FELT pregnant... something inside me told me this could truly be my time; but yet the progesterone suppositories I was prescribed following my IVF treatment supposedly induced cruel symptoms of it's own. With every Google search, I found yet another article about how progesterone caused all the same symptoms as early pregnancy, and to not count on this meaning IVF worked.

So I sat, playing the odds in my head, and realized... that I needed to know.

There were so many reasons why I would be disappointed, namely because in all my 35 years, I had never seen a positive pregnancy test... I had actually considered writing the manufacturer asking them to prove that there was even dye placed in that little window.

I was 13 days past ovulation... 13??? That was unlucky wasn't it? What was I thinking wanting to test today?

It was 1:00pm by the time I decided I would test fate and open that fresh box of pregnancy tests.... no chance of using my first morning urine as recommended on the instruction pamphlet... perhaps if I saw that stark white window, this would be my rational. Should I? Little did I suspect that the real question would be COULD I!

As I sat there, with the stick in hand, anxiety... excitement & worry was racing through my mind. And then it hit me... I couldn't pee!! Cold Water.. that would do the trick... but after nearly 5 minutes of freezing water on my fingers, there was still nothing. The airconditioner!!! I stood there, in my underwear as the cool breeze was on full blast hoping to induce a run to the bathroom... but STILL nothing.

Finally, out of desperation (although at this point I had added another worry in my mind, questioning whether this was some sign from God warning me not to set myself up for a major disappointment.) I chugged a large glass of water and simply waited.

Sure this last minute bladder fill would likely dilute my test and potentially give me yet ANOTHER excuse if that stark white window were to stare back at me, I was committed to going forward, and there was no stopping me when 5 minutes later I was ready to go.

There wasn't much of a wait... I saw the line instantly. Not as dark as the control line, but definitely there. No tilting, no squinting... just there... pink , straight and absolutely beautiful.

I sat stunned... then laughed... cried... looked again in amazement and then just enjoyed the moment.

I'm still not fully allowing it to sink in, after all there are still so many risks and obstacles... but what a beautiful and blissful sight.

I thought about calling Mike immediately, but then I stopped. Could I? Could I really swing it? Was it possible to keep this inside for 4 days, and surprise him on his birthday Thursday? What a wonderful present this would be if I could swing it! He is leaving on a business trip Monday until late Wednesday... so I may just be able to keep it from him, but it will be so hard!!!! I think I will try, I want his birthday to be one he will always remember... he has longed for this child (or children) from the moment we were married, and has been there as my confident, my hero and my strength through this entire journey.

If this is a dream... dont pinch me yet... I am enjoying the vision to much. Let me have this moment in paradise.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Waiting Game

9 days since my eggs were retrieved
6 days since they placed those precious embryos back into me for safe keeping
3 days since selling our home in anticipation of moving to our dream home in September
2 days since a difficult and confusing Father's Day
1 day since returning to work from time off for IVF
5 days until I will allow myself to pee on a stick to see if I am in fact pregnant
9 days until the official pregnancy test at the doctor's office.

It's a waiting game. Each day brings new worries, new questions, new milestones... and I find myself in a state of turmoil in this all important 2 week wait. I have been feeling sure about this cycle, knowing that my positive outlook was important to success, and sensing that this really could be "it".

How do I keep this inner peace and confidence without blinding walking into a potential heartbreak should this not be the month it all happens for us? How will I pick up and move on? How will we keep it together?

That is my fear for today... not that I am not pregnant, but on how I will feel should I not be pregnant... I don't even know if that makes sense.

And so I wait...

4 hours until my next progesterone suppository
5 hours until my next estrogen pill
8 hours until I can fall asleep... and be one day further through this two week wait.